Dead! Or Simply Sleeping

As is you noticed, im still alive. Its been a lengthy period since my last post and all I can say is that is was well needed.
Over the whole time period I,

had my birthday

got a new car

figured more about myself

caught up with some new friends

got closer to a few more

but when you gain some you lose some. You cant have everyone and do everything right. I examine the clients here at my work place and I find that they have so many mental disorders and I can only help but to compare them to myself and though I'm sure I've explained before I can only wonder what makes me different from everyone else? I have all the same disorders--that I at least believe I have-- and though they may be more severe, I still have control over myself.

I am a man from behind a mask. I was talking to a friend another day and she was saying that every guy she has dated, they appear to change whenever she gets closer to them, as if they were hiding themselves originally. Then proceeded to say, "Why cant I date anyone that is normal, like you." I can only but be flustered and agree with her but though people say they don't change, they just don't see it consciously. That is something I can say I know is true to most people, but I know how I am around people is different from when i'm alone, different from when i'm around relatives, different from when I am near someone I like. I know i'm double, triple quadruple faced and though i'm not proud of it, I guess its now apart of me. When she said I was normal I can only help but think to say that I am psychotic. I have extreme mood changes and I don't let anyone see said mood change. Whenever I get into a relationship I gradually let the other see the mood changes and as soon as I let it all out, when I show who I really am, the relationship becomes dysfunctional and heated. When I show myself, what the significant others wanted to see from the start ends up pushing them to the edge and consequently ends the mutual feelings.

I think about myself and how double sided I am and I now have reached the point that no one can handle "me" and now, even though I have thought this before, that maybe its best for me to stay and remain utterly alone for the rest of my life. Though that sounds fairly depressing, jumping into relationships in which you cant be yourself is equally depressing. I would rather to never give someone the chance than to be let down. We are all human, we all make mistakes but when is it enough? Thats when you reach the point of insanity. Its when you know what humans do, how they act and looking for that 1 in the set of 11's expecting something to change, though you know it will eventually will because every human isnt perfect.

I can only wish things change, therefore I'm insane.




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