Looking For Something?

Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Poet

I have this memory, subtle at first but now it echoes through all of my bones and now I feel its more than a distant dream. I look around every corner expecting to see my imagination to blend with all we believe to be reality. It starts as if it were a movie, the curtains draw and the title passes by on the screen. What is the title of this movie that plays in my head? It is not known even to myself but I know what to expect, and I have always known what will happen. 

Shades of black and grey flash in my mind, it starts to all blend together and I start to see shapes. Squares, rectangles, and even more convex forms and then I see movement. People start moving around and what I can make of them, they aren't happy. They speed back and forth to preoccupied to see what is in the midst of them then the screen turns black. It remains black for several minutes and all I hear is crying, not from multiple individuals but from one person, then, everything changes. I start to see a bright white halo in the distance and it approaches closer till I see a person in the center. You may be thinking this may be some revelation, but I can assure you that it is not anything close to salvation. 

The figure in the center starts to turn blue, a deep blue that can see everything that you once loved, then bring it back. The blue turns slender, into a person, a woman, a dress. I see a young woman with her back tuned to me standing up straight with her arms in front of her. Long dark hair to surpass her shoulders and a petite dress to just pass her knees. I look intently, waiting to see this seem to be angels face. She starts to turn and her dress sways in the wind, she is still looking away, she is happy. and as she starts to turn I regret to inform you, all vanishes. Everything starts to turn bright again and replacing the darkness is moving forms and where the girl once stood is now a bench. 

Imagine a stereotypical busy New York street that lies horizontal in front of you, now imagine that same busy street is so full of people that you cant even see the pavement. Sky scrapers are in front of you so high that you cant even see the sky. In the distance and trees are even closer and in separation of the trees and the crowd is a line of benches, now one bench holds the line and on the bench lies a young man, could have been me, sitting forward, hands clenched and  resting on his knees and hair long enough that I cant even see his face. He is wearing dress clothes, white shirt and tie nice slacks and bare footed. He looks down as the crowd in front of him rustle about, now turning into business men and women but all remains in black and white other than the green trees behind the young man. The others talk on their phones rush to the paths that lie in front of them and they don't seem to pay attention to this lone man who has no desire to move.

Shapes form right behind this young man and they are floating above his shoulders, no bigger than a backpack but one on the right and one on the left. A hand forms on his left and touches his shoulder, the figures appear to be angels in themselves but they appear to be darker, shades of black and grey. The one on his right whispers into his ear and they seem to have nothing mischievous in mind, they put the young man into peace. You focus on his arms and you realize that he is bleeding, for the arms of his white shirt are staining a dark shade of red. His shirt can no longer maintain the moisture and start to fall and drip on the floor. You follow the first drop that touched the ground and it follows an incline, that appears to be toward the bustling crowd. 

The young man starts to roll up his sleeves as the blood continues past the crowd and you notice that he has injured himself in a obvious attempt to kill himself as slashes follow his veins across his arms. The blood stops in the middle of the crowd, about 20 feet away from the young man and starts to move vertically, disobeying all that is real. The blood forms into a circulatory system and moves on to make a body, clothed in all, forming the woman from before, the woman in black and blue. She walks towards the young man and the crowd walks around her to let her be in full view of the man and I finally see who she is. The young man looks up, face still covered sees the woman, she approaches him and bends over to look at him in the face and kisses his left cheek and disappears. The young man stands up looks up and wings form out of his back, he starts to ascend upwards and the once known busy crowd stops and watches to view this man. The man continue to move upward and all turns black. 

I have seen this woman in real life several years ago after the dream. 

At the time she was seeing someone else and se asked me why I was so sad.

I had no response other than "I was born this way".

I now have seen this woman other places in different people.

Maybe this woman is less than what she looks like.

But how she looks at the world.

The woman has since left what I felt, and has become what I see.

Maybe no one feels like I do anymore.

Maybe she represents the dying breed.

Maybe he is a dying poet.

I still dream of them to this day.







Remember me









Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Liliana



Liliana, Adelaide.

Left the world behind her.

They forgot her anyway

Send out a sos

I was wrong

Majestic blood

And a heart so divine.


You are beauty at the stake.

Close your eyes and you will awake

Cold blue eyes that can save the human race

Your hearts closed but I can relate



Hello I followed my heart again

Its so cold Im starting to see my breath

I tried to stand up but I pushed all my friends

I saw you that night and you wished I was dead

I try to look around but theirs nobody left

And you had to eat me up alive, tonight

There goes my life.



You wished I never woke up from a coma


You might be right.


Needs someone to listen, wants someone to hold.

Someone who is there to warm my eternal cold.

Someone who is naughty but does everything right.

someone who’ll make sure, no nightmare tonight

If you were with me, youll never lonely

But im pretty sure you have killed before and I know you will do 


it again.


Ill close my fist then clench it tight,

then you will finally see. This is right

and you were wrong and you never really did understand me.

Ill tear these walls and and we will all see,

the chains will always try to bind me.


You are beauty at the stake.

Close your eyes and you will awake

Cold blue eyes that can save the human race

Your hearts closed but I can relate


Hello I followed my heart again

Its so cold Im starting to see my breath

I tried to stand up but I pushed all my friends

I saw you that night and you wished I was dead

I try to look around but theirs nobody left

And you had to eat me up alive, tonight

There goes my life.




















Remember me

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Faith (or redemption)

I bet I have at least--to the maximum--one reader now. Now I think about this reader, and why they continue to read this said "online diary" of some sorts and I came up with a example.

You are a preteen emotional, female. Why female? I like to use my imagination, its my choice so stop asking questions. Anyway. She just doesnt quite understand herself, stumbled upon this blog and appreciates my way of writing. Simple enough? I guess. She more sticks to me like a sticky note just because I write whats on my mind. She looks at the main title of the blog as it reads..."Life of a Dying Poet" and she thinks, oooo thats dark. See I just grabbed her attention with a cliche title. but as she reads she notices that is isnt all oh, I hate my life. Oh my parents never understand me. Oh I just want to kill myself because no one cares and im just writing because my parents wont let me see a therapist. Thats not interesting to me. I dont like to complain about my life because I understand though it may seem sucky to me, OTHERS ALWAYS HAVE IT WORSE.
     That brings me to a new thought. Here I am, with the internet. Typing on a blog with a Mac. I am medicated and I dont see a therapist by choice and I dont mind about what my parents think about me. Its my life, my choice and I will face my own consequences. Most people are like this. Is it because you have things, you feel that your life is shit? Pardon my language but very few people get on my nerves and those are the people who arent considerate and think about themselves only. When I drive down the road I can only help but think that some people dont even have a car. So many people take buses and more than not it may be with choice but there are always two sides. The other people who sit beside you on the bus have no car. They cant afford it, they have a minimum wage job and could be going through so many more things. Even more, not every city has a public bussing system. So those people who could be riding the bus are now walking. They have to get up two hours early just to they can make it to work on time, as others get up late go to work and act as if its not a big deal. Next time you look at your car, kiss it. Wash it first if you have to. It may be a P.O.S. Special Edition but at least it is something. Thank your parents, uncle or whoever gave you your form of transportation. It could even be a bike. Now I realize that I just ranted on nothing so this last paragraph, ignore it. Unless if it got you thinking and you enjoyed it. Then hold it to your heart.
     Back to Ms. Preteen. She realizes that I dont live in my own self doubt any misery and is amused by how I dont punctuate sentences properly and I capitalize the most random letters--Just to clarify everything, I know how to type I just dont want to waist time with it. AKA I need a editor.
     She understands me, no matter how young she is. She doesnt know all my problems but she doesnt even have to know. She looks at my writing and although she still knows nothing concrete about me she understands me. She does to such a point that if I ran into her on the street and we met it doesnt matter if she knows all the local gossip I had to say, or if my dog just died or even if I like dogs but the point is this. She can look at me and even though she knows nothing about me. She knows how I think and how I see things and I think that is the most important thing to know about people when you meet them. I feel knowing if the person before you takes 300 MG of Zoloft or knowing that they were beaten when they were little are secondary traits. I may be heavily medicated and I may have been abused but I may still see the world as it is, beautiful. I still have compassion. I still have fear. These are the most important things to know of someone, not what I did today. Though I dont condemn those who enjoy to hear that, I just dont find that to be what you need to know about someone.
     Ms. Preteen understands that High school/middle school life doesnt continue soon as you finish your 12 years of education and as soon as you graduate, you better hope you have realized that by then or else you find that you are 60 feet under water and you are out of breath. Through this she will gain faith in herself and thats what I would love everyone to understand. I dont expect you to be confident of everything I even loose confidence daily. But I just wish everyone to have a grip on reality and everything that is in front of them. So they can pursue their dreams and continue to dream. We all want to be happy, even me.



Remember me

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Second Chance

Once is never enough. When you try something once you eventually have a craving to do it again. You never want to do something once but sometimes once is enough. Whenever you think back to that once in a lifetime memory it reminds you of that moment you stepped off the train and saw a new countryside or breathed in 104 degree hot air for the first time. It can be anything, but if something bad happens will you give that bad thing a second chance?

If someone kills your significant other, if you ever were to date again would you let the same thing happen again? As much as you want to say no, your never the one to dictate what will happen. I feel that everything happens for a reason but the reasons arent always clear. Then thats when I think everything is random and some people just get the short end of the chain. I guess that could be likely too.

Ive been thinking alot about second chances through the past day and I cant help myself to make a decision on where I stand if people, instances, or anything else that occurs deserves to manifest itself around my life. I have never been one to do that, I have never got over a grudge and I have never fully trusted anyone. I guess I got the short end of the stick....Im just the unfortunate one. 

So here I am sitting on my couch, trying to figure out what the next step is in my life and I almost just want to keep everything in a halt. Im ready to breathe, I want to breathe but these walls are closing in and all I can think about is how claustrophobic I am.

Have I done anything wrong? I would like to think not. I dont judge anyone on their appearance and I dont dislike them till they have wronged me and showed me that they are a shitty human being. I listen to my friends and I always have advise, but only if they want to hear it. I never yelled at anyone and if im mad I only hide in a cave and vent everything myself. Thats when I realize that I never have let anyone return the favour. I remember several years ago I had a rough break up with a girlfriend and long story short I pushed everyone away and I still do to this day. That moment changed me and I was to never trust anyone and the only thing my friends wanted to do was help me. I never let them and I became a cut-throat which eventually led them to stop telling me about their lives and now no one really talks to me without me establishing the conversation. Soon after that, I stopped being the one who was the motivator and friends that I gathered with on a weekly to daily basis I now see every once and a while.

This is what I have become but I realize that maybe this has happened for a reason. That maybe in order to be comfortable with others, I need to become comfortable with myself. I know that still hasnt happened yet. 

When I become "normal" again. When I tell all my friends I have changed, do I deserve a second chance? I guess its their choice. I can never make the decision of others and I never can suede them to make a certain decision. The only thing I really can do is show that I changed and I will do anything to prove my unconditional love....but it needs to be shown on my own free will. No one wants to see a puppet being manipulated to what you want. You can only hope that the hand in the puppet is the one that has always controlled it and it will do anything to prove trust again. You can never trust anyone till you can show that you trust yourself.




Remember me





Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Stabbed?

Everybody has some dose of paranoia, 


Whether it be "I think someone is watching me" or a suspicion that a significant other MAY be seeing another. Either way it runs naturally through every persons blood, now im going to cut to the chase.


As much I would like to keep my personal,personal life out of the open, I feel inclined to talk about me and my high case of paranoia.


Simple enough, its out in the open. Im paranoid all the time. I always think im being watched, that microphones are tapped and video cameras are wired, all around me. But there is a difference of a dysfunctional form of paranoia and a controllable paranoia.


The dysfunctional is the ones you see scratching at their skin believing anything is possible, that have the hardest time in life. I hate to sound judgmental but I feel these are the weak of mind but I wouldnt say that they are actually lacking IQ. They are the ones--just staying in the realm of paranoia--that have to obtain antipsychotic drugs to maintain a grip to reality, before I step further lets see the other side.


Controllable paranoia is exactly as it sounds. You have the same symptoms but how it is treated is a little bit different. You have the common sense that even though you firmly believe that someone is watching you, you ignore the fact thats in your mind and you believe what you dont believe. 


So you sit in your room and you get that feeling that someone is behind you or peeking through the door and what do you do? You can check but the key is to check your surroundings. If you are truly paranoid, you know if someone is in your house, you know if your door is locked and you know when someone is driving down your block--welcome to my life. Do you check? I dont. Even though every gut tells me that something is watching, listening, going to happen, is happening right now, I still dont. 


I can say that I trained myself in the ancient mountains of Zabala and I gained wisdom from eating the root of a old...stick. But im not gloating in wisdom or anything. I just know the statistics and common sense. 


When does the ignoring and actually not accepting danger actually occur? No one can say. the fact that something is a statistic or is known to your mind, is because it ACTUALLY HAPPENS. Believe it or not but if it exists then it EXISTS. You could be in this next minute, become a statistic of rape, murder, suicide, freak accidents, or even divorce but more times than not, it doesnt "just happen".


Sometimes you are so in denial, you ignore your instincts and you ignore what you actually believe that is fact and you accept the non-reality that you created to cope with what you thought wasnt real. 


I knew someone that had this instance. His significant other was also seeing someone else other than him. He felt that she wasnt faithful but knowing that he is paranoid he disproved all that was fact and believed his own reality that he made for himself. He never did believe his gut until all was shown to him. What happened to this couple? History is still to tell, but when you achieve such a blow to your beliefs and what was truth, it destroys your vision. Everything turns upside down and you cant believe anything that stands before you. Everybody's word that was once known as truth becomes lies. You still struggle to move forward, but you dont even believe that forward is the right direction anymore and all you can believe is what you still believe. 


That everyone lies, everyone is human, everyone hides and everyone can change.






Remember me





Monday, July 11, 2011

Safe

I left my baby back in Oregon,
because she lost all sanity. 
I left my lady, 
locked into a heart of stone but,
can we only let her be?

If only, 
I may have shook hands with the devil,
of fire and what not but,
I forgot what the deals about.

So I left her all alone, 
at the station,
what was it all about?

Where are all my friends?
I think I'm short change, 
and I'm dead.
Now I'm looking for a reason in the morgue. 
Blind with all my answers, 
I'm taking all my chances, 
while this rhythm creates a riot, 
for your soul.
While I'm waiting by the river. 
So you can save me again.

I wont save you, 
our loves is not worth saving. 
It's draining down a hole, 
of what you call your life. 
I wont save you, 
our hearts not worth saving, 
it has slowed down then stopped.

I met somebody by 7-11.
Told him my story and he says,
"Boy what are you waiting for?"
I never understood noncompliance,
till he hit me with his car.

I left my baby back in Oregon,
because she lost all sanity. 
I left my lady locked, 
into a heart of stone but,
When we get there well see.

Like livin a lie.
Like wanting to die.
Like screaming out.
But try not to shout.

They are sleeping.
The cursings of god and, 

with all our lies,
we make mistakes, 
but no one wants to hear it.

She would sing me to sleep, 
as she carries me away.  
You're my better half.



Where are all my friends?
I think I'm short change, 
and I'm dead.
Now I'm looking for a reason in the morgue.
Blind with all my answers, 
I'm taking all my chances, 
while this rhythm creates a riot, 
for your soul.
While I'm waiting by the river. 
So you can save me again.








Remember me









Friday, July 8, 2011

The Epidemic



Ive been making arguments on suicide to others claiming its something it needs to be addressed, the following writing debates about that topic, more specifically in Idaho and high suicide states. I obtained several of these statistics through Psychology academic journals and newspaper articles, this doesnt go full credit to me. 

Suicide is the third leading cause of death among individuals in the United States from ten to nineteen and is rising more as the years pass. One fifth of teens in today’s society have at least thought of committing suicide and suicide rates in the United States are twice as high than other industrialized countries such as China, Australia and Japan. While hitting closer to home suicide rates in Idaho are and have been ranked within the top ten highest in the nation and is advancing by 14% each year. With that in view for it to be an epidemic what factors motivate individuals in Idaho to do this? What can we do about it? Does it have to due with budget cuts that people see more and more each day, or could it be some other unseen factors at work? Before we can start drawing conclusions, the first thing is to figure out what the problem is at its roots.
Statistics on suicide are the people who actually complete the act, but what about those who don’t succeed or haven’t done the act yet?  Those people are in just as much pain as the ones who actually go through it mentally and sometimes physically. Those who have an unsuccessful suicide attempt can just as well live with the scars or even be disabled the rest of their lives due to the severity of the attempt. What about those who aren’t in the main statistics? The National Institute of Mental Health states that for every successful attempt there are eleven unsuccessful ones. With that in view should we consider those who are in physical or mental pain part of the statistics? What about those who haven’t done the attempt but have the pain such as depressive mental disorders or even non-suicidal self-injury or NSSI? The strongest predictor of a future suicide attempt in individuals is in fact NSSI in itself.
Up to 14% of all adolescents deliberately injure themselves. You might be thinking that it doesn’t sound like much but putting it in real numbers there are approximately 6 billion people in the world and 1/5th of the population are adolescents. 168 million adolescents make up that 14% of individuals who intentionally hurt themselves and the average deaths worldwide per year is around 57 million. Putting the percentage of NCCI in full numbers makes it seem like it’s a serious problem but why do people do it? Psychiatrists Paul Wilkinson and Ian Goodyer state that it is to relieve stress, sadness and guilt because they have no other proper ways to cope with everyday life. The various ways to use NCCI is cutting, burning, stabbing, hitting or various other ways that can induce bleeding or bruising. Why aren’t any of these people part of any statistic? This is obviously a problem that needs to be addressed but there are others that tend to be neglected.

Around 31% of people worldwide have a form of a depressive disorder! It is very common to know one of these people personally but do you know how they feel? It is shown that out of all these individuals with depression 85% of them there condition is moderate to serious by affecting the individual’s everyday life. How might they be affected? It is shown that depressed people find it difficult to concentrate, feel worthless or anxious many even find it hard just to get out of bed. Depression is the leading cause of suicide and what do people do about it? People with depression rarely see to have counseling let alone even having someone notice their condition. So what factors put Idaho in such a chokehold that people are forced into depression, NSSI and suicide? Yet again I went to the root of the problem and I have found four factors; budget cuts, our location, gun laws and substance abuse.
The big problem in Idaho—also among other states— are budget cuts. If you cut Schools and higher education today, then you will run the risk of a less educated, less competitive work force.  If you cut rehabilitation programs you will run the risk of expanding the prison population tomorrow and it’s the same thing for mental health. As of 2010, Idaho’s budget committee took $2.4 million from mental health services even when the State Planning Council in Mental Health warned that it would lead to more suicides. Since 2008 funding for mental health has dropped from $40 million to $32 million this year. Resulting, the death toll of suicides rose up 19%— fatalities at 300— as of 2009 and is rising 5% each year. But Idaho has always lacked health services. Idaho doesn’t even have a suicide hotline of its own. Idaho relies on an office in Oregon who takes all our calls, I find that very unsatisfactory.
Idaho takes a great deal of isolation. Since towns are small and wide spread throughout the state physical isolation is added to mental. How many opportunities does a person who lives hundreds of miles away from the nearest town with a psychiatrist have? Rarely do people with depression in Idaho seek for help due to inconvenience and lack of money. Along with social isolation studies show that further north you live, the more likely you will have depression and commit suicide due to the lack of sun and climate. Since it is clearly evident that the higher north you are makes it more likely to be vulnerable to mental disorders, shouldn't, mental health coverage be higher as you head up the continents? It doesn’t seem quite so.
Gun laws are hardly restrictive in Idaho but when you look at most of the deaths by suicide, 65% of them involve a gun. I went further to figure out what is going on and in 1997 gun suicide cases in the United States was 1,400 while the next highest was Canada at 153. Gun suicides are remarkably high in the United States. To create a further problem I looked at Child Access Prevention laws in the United States in which state that if you own a gun, by law you must store guns where others—mostly children—cannot find them. Idaho is one of the few states that do not have this law furthering suicides of adolescents from ten to nineteen. I’m not saying that guns need to be more restricted in Idaho but more simply out of the reach of children.
Another big problem in Idaho is substance abuse. In a short period of time of 2001 northern Idaho was known as the meth capitol of the world. In my opinion that isn’t a title that I’m proud to have. Statistics show that suicide is done half of the time while under the influence of alcohol or drugs and I believe it. It is fairly well known that alcohol and certain illegal drugs are depressants in which make you even more depressed if you were depressed in the first place. They make your mind unclear and your actions very questionable and all in all if your thinking of committing suicide substance abuse will only make a thought come true.
When everything is said and done I think it is very clear on what we are supposed to do to help the escalating suicides in Idaho. Find more funding for mental health, find support groups that will help survivors and or look out for those who soon will. Along with that have a few laws keeping guns away from children and crack down more on the substance abuse that is running free in our state. Though this may seem simple I would imagine it would be very hard, money doesn’t grow on trees. But when the positive is presented in front of you how can you not want to stop an epidemic from happening? 


Remember me



Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Youth

I am young, my age isnt relevant but all you need to know is that you may just be young too.

I can tell you that by the time I reached the age of sixteen I was a senior in High School and I was excelling so much that I could have graduated early, but I didnt. I felt that I should join my friends in the "walk" and receive my degree.  Im not one for the spot light and if I had the choice I wouldnt have done it, but I have parents who want to see me excel and denying the voices in the back of my head I only wanted to see them happy. Soon after graduation I attended college for a fairly short period of time.

I guess I wanted to go because that was the right thing to do but then my mother advised me to leave school and slow down. Im not sure if you have ever heard of a parent telling you to not attend college--when they have attended college themselves. So after I achieved a year of college I decided not to return the returning fall semester and when everything is said and done that leaves me to where I am now.

Now im not saying that nothing has happened since then, or that I have had nothing to do with my life. And most certainly not saying that this was one month or even ten years ago but I just have been thinking about youth and what has been done.

My mother explained a simple concept to me, and that was enjoy life. I enjoyed life before but there is a difference between living in life, living the life, and living. You can disagree at anytime you want but this is my philosophy. I dont plan this written in a book anywhere or even get fame out of my ideas but some things just arent touched on normally but those things are also the most important to keep to our souls and they will keep us human.

Anyway I was living in life, and you want to LIVE.

You know I will touch on this in the future and when I say you I mean the spectators of my life. I plan on doing this for a while. At some points I may have a few posts a year. others I may have several in a day. But the long run I think I decided what I want to talk about and that is life and death and everything that evolves around it. This will be a blog about simply, my life. Not so you can model yours around mine, not because I'm some egocentric human being. But because we all have question, some we consciously are aware of, and others we just dont understand. I dont have answers, but I do have the will to think about them and notice things in life. You are my spectators, few to none. But I hope you will understand my thinking and what can be done with the things you dont understand.

We are all youth, we are still growing and not everything is known.



Remember me

Sunday, July 3, 2011

An average day


Today I woke up not knowing what day it was, but what Importance does that show, that should effect my life? None, but the fact is this. You dont know what will happen to you, one of the few things we can't do no matter how muchwe try is that we can never know what will happen in the future.

Now you may be thinking. ''Hey? I know ill be going to work tomorrow.'' But in my opinion that is just logical reasoning. Yes we may have plans in the future, but ''future'' is the determining factor.

Future, lets call him Frank, Frank is a unmedicated, bipolar individual that now controls your life. Frank gets very moody, for no reason. And if you happen to be there at the very moment Frank gets pissed, you may be gambling with life.

Just the other day I odered a pizza for take out, I drove down one of the main roads picked up the pizza then turned back onto the road. What I saw was a car that literally flipped forward while heading the same direction I was previously heading. A car in front of it pulled into traffic last second pushing a suv into a direction that made it unable to drive. If I would have waited at my house just up to a minimum of a minute, that could have been me.

Im not sharing this with you because I had a revelation that I need to change my ways. Im telling you this because life is fragile and Frank is a vengeful sonouvabitch and you cant do anything about his actions.

ill touch on this again in the future but till then.




Remember me