The Second Chance

Once is never enough. When you try something once you eventually have a craving to do it again. You never want to do something once but sometimes once is enough. Whenever you think back to that once in a lifetime memory it reminds you of that moment you stepped off the train and saw a new countryside or breathed in 104 degree hot air for the first time. It can be anything, but if something bad happens will you give that bad thing a second chance?

If someone kills your significant other, if you ever were to date again would you let the same thing happen again? As much as you want to say no, your never the one to dictate what will happen. I feel that everything happens for a reason but the reasons arent always clear. Then thats when I think everything is random and some people just get the short end of the chain. I guess that could be likely too.

Ive been thinking alot about second chances through the past day and I cant help myself to make a decision on where I stand if people, instances, or anything else that occurs deserves to manifest itself around my life. I have never been one to do that, I have never got over a grudge and I have never fully trusted anyone. I guess I got the short end of the stick....Im just the unfortunate one. 

So here I am sitting on my couch, trying to figure out what the next step is in my life and I almost just want to keep everything in a halt. Im ready to breathe, I want to breathe but these walls are closing in and all I can think about is how claustrophobic I am.

Have I done anything wrong? I would like to think not. I dont judge anyone on their appearance and I dont dislike them till they have wronged me and showed me that they are a shitty human being. I listen to my friends and I always have advise, but only if they want to hear it. I never yelled at anyone and if im mad I only hide in a cave and vent everything myself. Thats when I realize that I never have let anyone return the favour. I remember several years ago I had a rough break up with a girlfriend and long story short I pushed everyone away and I still do to this day. That moment changed me and I was to never trust anyone and the only thing my friends wanted to do was help me. I never let them and I became a cut-throat which eventually led them to stop telling me about their lives and now no one really talks to me without me establishing the conversation. Soon after that, I stopped being the one who was the motivator and friends that I gathered with on a weekly to daily basis I now see every once and a while.

This is what I have become but I realize that maybe this has happened for a reason. That maybe in order to be comfortable with others, I need to become comfortable with myself. I know that still hasnt happened yet. 

When I become "normal" again. When I tell all my friends I have changed, do I deserve a second chance? I guess its their choice. I can never make the decision of others and I never can suede them to make a certain decision. The only thing I really can do is show that I changed and I will do anything to prove my unconditional love....but it needs to be shown on my own free will. No one wants to see a puppet being manipulated to what you want. You can only hope that the hand in the puppet is the one that has always controlled it and it will do anything to prove trust again. You can never trust anyone till you can show that you trust yourself.

Remember me