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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

My Will and Last Testament

Sometimes I dream. 
Sometimes I dream about falling.
I dream about falling down a forty story building. 
The wind through my hair. 
No dirt under my nails. 
I feel clean and perfect. 
Everything has been put together,
and I'm at peace. 
Peace with my mind. 
Peace with myself. 
It's the same every time. 
I wake up to who I am,
and everything is the same around me. 
The dream is the paradise. 
The dream lacks the fear. 
Lacks the emotions. 
Is that peace?
Then why does it feel like it?
It's as if no emotion is at peace. 
No feelings take you home.
So how is it supposed to be?
I catch myself falling,
so why do I fall?
Everything gets so overwhelming.
They buzz past me,
scratching my face.
I have no idea what happened.
Everything is always so much bigger.
I do something, 
but someone else could do it better.
So where does that leave us?
You have to be good at one thing.
Create a name for yourself.
Have one specific talent.
One specific job. 
Is that all we are good for?
We can try the hardest we can to do something right,
and we can still not be the best.
Then what are we good for?
Some of us lack the motivation.
Some of us are simply no good.
So where does that leave me?
I once wished that I could be good at one thing,
it never stuck.
I once tried to be the best,
but there was always better. 
It rattled through my brain,
shook all my bones, 
and I never did once understand.
I think I have it all together now,
but I know I don't.
You can always do it better.
If you cant keep it your best,
you're thrown to the side.
I think that the world is to much for me.
I feel like I'm being swallowed by everything,
and I can't breathe,
so I don't.

Remember me

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Desperation Miles (The Day I Died)

Last night I cried
While reading catcher and the rye
Laying under the blue sky
But I felt just the same. 

Sometimes I'm lazy
In the middle of the day
When I need to be awake
But I wish that I had died

A misguided misfortune,
taking its toll.
Fucking with my brain,
tonight heads will roll.
A misguided misfortune
taking its toll
but tonight is the night 
I wish I had died 

Because of you.
Because of me.
Because of my family.

This is it.
This is my last stand.
I can’t stand this anyway.

You may had the right,
to put me in the light.
It’s not fair,
not for you,
not anymore.

Yes sometimes I cry,
while watching clouds in the sky.
but the thoughts will not die,
I don’t know why.

I take the pills,
to take away the feelings,
that I have.
They wont go away.

But I still wake up,
with my tears in my eyes.
They are all dried up,
and I lost my mind.

Yes sometimes I cry,
in the middle of the night.
After I say goodnight  
When I think,
of you.
The day I almost died.

Because of you.
Because of me.
Because of my sanity.

Because these cuts,
wont go away.
Because of you.
Because of my hate,
that can swallow the whole world.

Because of me,
and my sobriety.
It just fails 
when I have to look you in the eye. 

No I can’t stay.
No I won’t fight.
No I will not fail this 
and let go my life.
No I can’t stay,
or be shut out.
I may have failed,
but ive been here,
from the start.

Sometimes I die,
consecutive time,
in the midst of strangers 
they have no eyes.

But I still wake up,
the same every night.
As I smell the smoke,
burning out my mouth.

And I still may cry,
with these tears in my eyes,
my heart feels the same,
I can’t help but lie.

All the truth I fake,
that comes out of my sighs.
All the lies I create,
as I look in your eyes

Though I still wake up,
mostly same every night
I can’t go.
No I won’t wait.
Like I did last night

Because of you.
Because of me.
Because of my latency.
Because of my crimes.
Because of the way you look at me,
with your howling eyes.
The way I create,
all my lies.
Because of you.
My lack of insight.
Because of my strange house,
that lies in the road. 
Because of the cars,
that pass me by.
They all swerve,
avoid me,
I don’t know why.
Because of you. 
Because of me.
Because of my childish heart,
and my childish mind.
Because of us,
it wont stay.
Because of my hate of this world,
it wont go away.
Because of you.
Because of you.

When I woke up.
I could not believe my eyes.
I saw the devil and god,
they were playing dice.
They fought for me,
and my sound mind.
But I only thought of you,
the day I may have died.

Remember me

Friday, December 7, 2012

The Child: Entry 36

Have you read the preceding chapters?
If not then read it from the beginning
Read the preceding chapter...

The Beginning:

Previously on The Child:

An odd looking hermit tried to sell me some even odder-looking bird. Feathers of every color lined the pink skin of the body and face but it looked rather sickly. He was hanging it upside down with his hands holding its feet, head nearly falling off I looked at its face and it looked as if it had some serious physical problems. Eyes bugging out, blue tongue, and a sick complexion like it was dipped in oil. 

'Rule number one.' Emmanuel spoke boldly. 'You are never to eat anything that the merchants try to sell to you. There food is contaminated by raw sewage and blood.'

'It looks disgusting anyway' I responded while keeping direct eye contact with the merchant with a lazy eye. 'There not necessarily with a trustworthy look.' Emily smiled a bit. 

'Rule two. Never and I mean never tell a single soul that you are a Delacroix, or even mention that you are from out of town. You were born and raised here and that's the end of it. I'm sure that I don't need to warn you about the box. Keep it on you at all times but never show it to anyone.'

'Obviously.' I said under my breath. Emily looked up to me and chuckled a little bit. 

'You’re cute.' She whispered into my ear, I couldn't help but smile a little as well. Our shoulders bumped with some merchants that gave us long stairs as we passed them due to the lack of space in the bustling alleyways. I turned my gaze to look inside one of the open buildings and all I could see was fist fighting. Being surrounded by several others, two men fought in the center as the spectators around them threw in paper money and coins into the center. Savages. 

Blood splattered on the floor and all over everyone in the room as one man got an advantage over the other. Some sick game in my opinion; scarring each other faces. The man who lost the upper hand fell to the floor as the other jumped on top of him, loosing control of his human nature. I heard the men around him chant 'finish him, finish him' making every syllable a distinct complete word. The victor put his foot on the skull of the looser and he stomped down to cave his skull in. I looked away with astonishment but curiosity compelled me to turn back around. The victor yelled to the crowd—for big some primal scream—and showed off his bloody knuckles to everyone around him. Emmanuel cleared her throat and continued. 

'Rule number three.' She emphasized 'rule' to get my complete attention 'Try to remain inside the safe house as much as possible. We don't want any disgusting vermin following you home looking for a place to stay.'

'When you say vermin, I'm guessing that you are talking about people?' I asked. 

'No.' Emmanuel stopped in her tracks and looked at me. 'These things aren't people. There just some disgusting creatures who have learned to live off the more fortunate.'

'That’s a cruel outlook on other people.' I responded. Emmanuel started to pull me forward again. 

'But it's true.' I looked up and to my amazement I could no longer see the sun. Black smog and skyscrapers cluttered whatever was left of the horizon. Clothes on wire lines and boards from building to building cluttered the sky above me. Several people sat in their window seals smoking there cigarettes and several others were people looking down and up and yelling at each other. 'But you're not going to live here emery. Me and Emily always have bodyguards following us but they never dare go into the slums so were using the slums as cover till we get you home. Mother can't know where you are.'

Turning corners upon corners, we passed through several alleyways and buildings. Some had better keep than others and many were bustling full of people. No matter where we were however, I felt as if people were burning holes at the back of my head. Gradually the alleyways grew wider and less people covered the remaining space. Shops were run more ethically and the upkeep improved greatly. Buildings grew taller in the distance and the slime and smog on them became lighter till there was none that could be found. I didn't notice how tight Emily was holding onto me till she began to lighten the grip on my arm, she was feeling more safe to the surroundings, as was I. 

Soon as streets began to be paved with road and sidewalks Emmanuel stopped and looked up at the building in front of us. Glass sliding doors, columns, a modern yet Victorian era looking building. It towered at least eight stories into the sky as conjoining buildings to the left and right towered at least five and seven stories. These side buildings looked as if they were apart of the main one in front of me but I couldn't be for sure. Emmanuel walked a few steps in front of me and Emily then turned around to face us. 

'Well?' Emmanuel asked. 'What do you think Emery? Is it fitting for you?' I had already looked the building up and down and structurally it stood like a rock, architecturally it looked beautiful but one couldn't determine the quality of a building just by judging the outside so I shrugged towards her. Emmanuel's glow of excitement dimmed down to a slight afterglow and turned her head to her right. Almost instantly she ducked down and pointed to my left showing several people walking around the corner with suits and badges on there hips. 

'They are trying to cut us off from the other side of the slums.' Whispered Emily. 

'Em, take Emery inside and settle him in his room, I'll get them to follow me. Emily nodded and pulled me forward as I grabbed my bag when we passed Emmanuel as we rushed inside. Looking back I could see Emmanuel turn a corner with her high heels in her hands and began to run. 

'She will be ok Emery.' Emily turned my head towards her. 'There here to protect us not kill us.’ For a second I thought that what she said was true but only for a moment. They are immortal. It's plain and simple that they can't die but people can sure make them to want to die through pain, shame and god knows what else.

I could only imagine Emmanuel being beaten by her security detail, carving in her face, making her wish that she was never born. The entire trauma that will pass through her eyes and not just physical trauma but mental, emotional, even sexual. She's a woman, it's not like its a taboo that no one can acknowledge, this is something that is very real and not some little game that would be forgotten but the Halstein's in the flesh seem very strong and violent. She will get her revenge by tearing off their limbs and desecrating their body's with teeth and nails. This, of course, is all hypothetical. I'm sure that she is perfectly fine; she's a big girl. 

Up next in The Child: 

Entry 37

Remember me

Monday, December 3, 2012


I like to play dead, 
while immersed in white.
I feel kind of violent.
Nails in my coffin, 
and I count them, 
one two
I hear the devil on the roof.
All I need now is who?
I am dying tonight.

Meet me down by the foyer.
Say goodbye,
nothing to loose.
I wish I could remember,
the cold days in December. 

All I really wanted, 
was a little piece of you. 
I've been waiting for the atrophy,
to set in from the blue.
I still have the photograph, 
of you, in my car.
You still ask 'What was it all for?'

Cheep suit and dress shoes
I think they are choking me.
The same way I came in,
I'm staying clear of the end. 

I tend to hide when,
you say goodnight.
Try to be real silent.  
Nails in my coffin,
and I count them, 
eight nine. 
I hear some talking
by the door. 
I try to peek,
nothing more
I'll loose my mind tonight. 

Dig me out my hole.
It's hard for my breathing.
Nails in my coffin,
who were they trying to keep out?
I would do if I remembered,
the cold nights in December. 

All I really wanted, 
was a little piece of you. 
I've been waiting for the atrophy,
to set in from the blue.
I still have the photograph, 
of you, in my car.
You still ask 'What was it all for?'

I can't stand this space of mine. 
I can't stand the peace I can't find. 
I will try to find my home. 
With wildflowers to pave the road. 
I won't wait for another life. 
I won't wait for the sky. 
I won't wait for me to die. 
I won't find a place to hide. 
I won't believe in try. 
A do will be in sight. 
I won't sit and wait for light. 
I will grow old with my wife. 
I can't do what we all do. 
I can't live so patiently
As I watch your simplicity.