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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

First and Last Time I Swear

First and Last Time I Swear

I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t say hey there is a raging battle inside of me and I can’t do it on my own, we can do everything by ourselves as long as we put our minds to it—I know we can. We can succeed in this never ending battle we call life, but then again, the battle always ends. Whither it ends with a .45 to the head, or a life from crib to coffin, it ends. So why try? I have nothing to loose, just some beach house I’ve obtained through the years, various objects and buildings from a lost life and a head full of broken thoughts and propositions which can never come true. Everyone was gone for the rest of my life—must have been something I said— but I don’t mind, I never really had anyone anyway.

I hear Doctor Petty P.H. Worthless D. happens to be a good doctor/therapist/physician/whatever, and he can help me with my problems. It seems like I don’t give anyone the respect they deserve–but why am I here? So now I’m waiting in his lobby, the lady at the front desk says, without appointment I can wait up to several hours. This is a small town, what else would I do? I sit and my eyes start to wander; Grandma a few chairs to my left patting her eyes with a Kleenex. A teenager slouched forward with dark clothes sitting next to who I presume to be a pissed off mother in front of me. Tree in the far right corner of me, looks like he has the worst of the troubles and then something that caught my eye. There was a woman to the right of me a few feet away, around my age. Skinny and pale with a little flush and dark brown wavy hair that passes her shoulders and creating a veil over her face. She was wearing a one-piece dark blue dress, simple, tiny and elegant; she was leaning forward with her head down.

I looked at what her hands were doing, left hand was slightly extended but resting on her lap, palm up. While the other hand was gripped around her left wrist while her thumb was stroking the wrist. Up down, up down, this constant motion intrigued me—what happened to her? Granny Betty White to my left probably lost a family member, I’m taking bets on her husband. Then that punk in front of me most likely got in trouble with the law. A man came out of the doors to my far right looking at a clipboard and walking at such a painfully slow pace that I was ready to knock him out, put him in a wheelchair and push him down the hall and when he regains consciousness he still would have been nearer to us than the lazy stroll he was currently taking. I take that back, the lazy strollers makes this man look bad, a lazy stroll just might be to fast for this man.

“He speaks!” I thought as Granny Betty sniffed a little and looked up to the doctor.

“Yes?” she whispered

“Could you please come with me?”

“Ok.”  She got up and waddled towards the doctor and it looked like they were doing the one hundred meter dash to the door to exit the room—oh ya, the woman.

I tried to examine what she was doing and then it hit me. This is how I think her night went. She is depressed, I know this as a fact, and I can feel the cursed aura coming off of her. She had a depressing, rough day. She’s mentally drained and she isn’t feeling to well physically. Something pushed her over the edge; lets say she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her with little bimbo bitch from across town. They didn’t care, they didn’t understand her, and they defiantly don’t know what its like to be trapped in a fleshy citadel of illness. Then he calls her one late night on his cell phone.

“What you up to sweetie?”

“Oh nothing,” she says. “Thinking of taking a bath in a bit, it was a hard day”—she knows everything.

“Well do you mind me coming over and relieving some of that stress?” She bit her lip, and smiled.

“I would love that, ill leave the door unlocked.”

“Alright sweet” he laughs. “I’ll be there in a few.” She turned off her phone and cries.

She jumps up off her leather couch, closes her book and starts to head to the bathroom. Puts her hands on the door handle and stops, sighs, then continues her journey. She turns to the white porcelain tub, bends over and turns the water till she reaches the temperature she wants. Gets up, turns around, walks to her mirror/medicine cabinet and she sees what she has become she starts to cry more.

“If this is what you want, then you’re getting it.” She whispers, and starts taking off her clothes. When in the nude she looks at herself again in the mirror.

“So this is what I’ve become.” She takes her phone off of her sink and turns on the camera. Starting to send some revealing picture to her once known significant other to guarantee his arrival—send.

She starts to cry again and begins to do what she originally intended to do to this poor excuse of a man. Reaching into the medicine cabinet she grabs three things; pain relievers, anti-depressants, and the razor she uses for shaving. She takes the pain reliever bottle and pours the pills out into her hand, the bottle was nearly full, and it was empty when she was done. Plenty fell to the ground but it didn’t matter to her, she just needed enough to numb her pain, she threw her head back, put all the pills she could hold into her hand into her mouth and swallowed.

Next she opened her anti-depressants, she looks inside the full bottle and read the label. “Wellbutrin, take two 200mg tablets, by mouth, every day.” She stood over the sink and dumped every last pill into it and turned the faucet on.

Then she picked up the razor, examined it for a few seconds then turned to the right and threw it at the door with all her might. The razor fell to the ground in several pieces and she started to walk towards the door. The bathroom was very steamy now; she bent over and picked up one of the blades while standing on other pieces of the razor. Looking at the blade she smiled and stood up.

“I hope it was worth it.” While taking the blade to her wrists and doing the only thing she could now. Then she laid in the tub with her wrists out for the world to see closed her eyes and hoped for the night to end.

What happened next? I can’t tell what happened. Obviously her wish came true and the night ended, but just the night—nothing else. But what the boyfriend did I have no idea, I only hope for the best. He could have entered the room to see her bathing in her own blood freaked out, called the police which brings her here today. Or the sick excuse of a man could of gotten into that, and still just had his way with her. But I feel he did nothing at all, she is holding her wrists like a failed attempt to scream to the public “I am not sane, I need help.”  But the cry was not heard. He entered the room to find a woman bound to her sickness, bathing in the only thing she has and cried with her. He knew what he did, and he knew that she knew and he wanted to become a changed man. Nonetheless he has already made his imprint in her life; it was time to erase his ink on her paper and he left hoping she will live to see another day. He got what he wanted, but she never got what she wanted, weird the way that always works. They never say or heard from each other again and she woke up in the morning, room red, room temperature water, feeling incomplete. 

That brings us to today; she knew that something was obviously wrong so she made an appointment with this clinic and she needs to tell people what happened last night and what she should do. Grandma Betty opened up the door to my left with the Dr. Whoever behind her.

“I hope you do well Mrs. Granderson.”  The doctor said. I sneezed. And granny flinched.

“You too doctor.”  As she walked passed me she gave me such a glare that I wouldn’t be surprised that she just condemned my soul to hell—but I didn’t care. I turned my head and I started to observe the bookshelf to the right of me in the corner. “Depression and You,” “Beating Addiction,” “101 Tips to Cure Stress,” and other books flooded this bookshelf. I couldn’t help but to laugh to myself when I saw the world’s greatest angry mom get up and observe these books along with me. After a while of scanning these titles she cleared her throat reached above her head and grabbed a red book titled “Counter reacting dysfunctional families.”  She opened the book to a random page and she started skimming its contents. My eyes were fixed on her, she seemed so interested—obviously this meant something to her.  She started to walk to he seat slowly, not even taking a look off the page.  She soon sat down, crossed her legs and in all her interest she never made a sound.

This room was quiet, I felt as if something was whispering in my ear—my hair stood up on back of my neck. As corny as it sounds that’s the best description I could give to what was happening. Something or someone was taunting me and I knew it was there. Call me crazy—that’s what I’m here for— but it said a name. A name I have never had a friend to possess. A name that made my very stomach knot up to the very proper noun. A name that could change my life, and then I heard it again, the voice whispered.


I shook my head and I looked at the mom again. She gave the book to her son and pointed at a page in the book and he started reading. After a while he sat up from his slouched position and she was looking over his shoulder. Something changed, the atmosphere became light and I felt less lost. I looked away from the mother and her child and closed my eyes. And I tried to think all who was around me. People who support my well being and love everything I do and I couldn’t help but to think no one.  I left everyone behind and moved without notice. Very few people know where I am and fewer know why I am here.  I don’t even know if more than one person knows—I am a ghost. Maybe I wanted this; maybe I wanted to live knowing no one. No fame, no praise, no sorrow. But what all has that accomplished?  Am I happy? I’m not sad but am I happy?

I think I snapped—I need something—I cant live like this forever. I opened my eyes again to look at the girl in blue elegance. Beauty in its rawest form, brings me such peace, brings me—Serenity—to see her staring back at me. I couldn’t say this is love at first sight but its something I never felt before—she smiled. I’ve been alone since day one. My mom has been really sick since my birth, I have no siblings and my father left while I was very little—how is someone to live on there own? I read my fathers note, he never wanted children. He said I was made all from my moms doing—there’s no point. “I’m of to do something great, and I wish you could do the same. You remind me so much of your mother, she is a visionary. Fear nothing, everything has a reason.”

Finally it struck home, my hardened heart of a Pharisee screamed for what’s lost and I started to cry. Little miss in blue saw my torment and she walked towards me sat right next to me and put her hand on my leg.

“Are you okay hun?” My heart stopped, this wasn’t any ploy to get her over here. I was trying to hold it back—fear nothing, everything has a reason.

“Yeah, I just…no. No I’m not fine.”

“Well this isn’t the atmosphere to have a serious talk so you should call me and stop by my apartment sometime?”

“Yeah, sure.” I smiled as she got up out of her seat to the front desk. After a while she came back and grabbed my hand put the tiny piece of paper on my palm and closed my hand into a fist.

“Now don’t be looking at it till you get out of here.” She said. She smiled at me once more and walked out of the building at a steady pace.

Who was she?  That question was ringing in my head more than the question, “why did she just get up and leave? She didn’t even see anyone?” That didn’t even matter to me.  The doctor with the acute tumor in both of his legs put his hand on my shoulder and tried to knock me out of my deep thought.

“Are you ready to go?” he said to me. I shook my head to get myself back into reality.

“Yeah, sorry I was just thinking.”

“Your fine, I will show you to the room” He walked ahead of me as I followed and at this point I didn’t care about the overgrown tortoise in front of me—was I dreaming? He opened the door to the room sat me down and sat in front of me. He started rubbing his forehead while looking at his clipboard.

“I’m sorry to say this but your blood results came in positive for a form of cancer known as leukemia. Its good you noticed the symptoms, that way you just might have a fighting chance.” My heart stopped, “How could this happen?”

“Statistics show that twenty eight percent of people in your age range end up having leukemia. Though a rare chance someone has to get it, I’m sorry. “ I wished he would just shut up, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Since we don’t have any clinics that treat your disease currently in our region I would advise you to move in with your loved ones and get treated where they are, if they live out of town that is. Static’s show that if you are around loved ones, or even believe in a god of some sort, you are more likely to have a successful survival rate.” I started to turn pale—so what does that make me? I know no one—I’m a ghost.

“Are you okay? I’m sure only positive things can happen out of this.” I started to get very nervous and finally I spoke.

“How much time would I have if I didn’t do anything?” He stared at me for a few seconds.

“Looking at your medical history you haven’t been to a doctor for several years, because of that this might have been developing for years. I’m sorry to say this but the cancer cells are very dense though not impossible to treat. It will be a hard few years but if you don’t give up you could just pull through.” Key word could.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I really couldn’t tell you, maybe months, maybe years. It could even be days.” I stood up and started to walk to the door.

“Thank you doctor, I’ll find out what I can do.”

“Are you okay? I can help you with this.” I turned around and stopped walking.

“No, your services will no longer be needed, thank you for everything.” I closed the door behind me and I walked past the front desk. The attendant at the front desk looked at me all worriedly and was about to say something but I walked outside before any conversation or bullets took place.

The sky was clear, but it was raining. I loved rain and the smell of it was my rescue for everything that just took place. This town was small, no one would know what happens to me, but then again everyone might know—it’s a gift that I keep to myself. The mountains glistened with snow from the ending winter. I turned to take a left to follow the sidewalk, no cars filled the street, and no person was in sight do to the rain. When done standing to feel this god’s gift to me I headed to the local diner—the only one in town.

I opened the door and all I saw was a young girl around eighteen cleaning the tables—hair pulled back and a dress. The bell on the front door rang with a clamor to shatter everyone’s ears that heard when I came to I noticed the girl walking into the back. I sat down in one of the booths in a corner—this place was deserted. I filled through my pockets and took out all the contents; a pencil and a ripped piece of paper. I sat there confused for a second; the paper read Serenity, followed by ten numbers. I didn’t waste any more time so I got out of the diner as fast as I could—I don’t think I was dreaming. I just might have a chance for fifteen minutes of fame on some disease survival show. Outside was bright now, the weather changed in a matter of seconds. It felt like I was walking on a cloud. The air felt so light and the sky was so blue. I continued down the road smelling everything that I loved.

Remember me

Sunday, June 26, 2011


I realized today that I really have no idea what im doing here. Maybe just to talk about life, maybe just to understand myself. But I wont figure that out anytime soon. and yet I know I have said what im going to do many times before, I am still looking for structure and where im going to take this. If you like what you see now. Let me know. But as far as my knowledge goes nobody has even glimpsed on what im trying to achieve, so I dont necessarily have to stress about this. 

In a effort to see how to do this I clicked that handy button on the top of the page that says Next Blog--or something of that sort-- to see how others do it and how frequently and I discovered a few things. One I dont speak French or Spanish and two I dont speak French or Spanish. 

Seriously, I clicked that button several times and all I got was this gibberish that I couldnt understand but I sure did enjoy the pictures. The only thing I probably could of made out was someone saying "Vienna is perfect this time of year" and pictures followed. I can sure say I agree with that but whatever it said after it beats me. As far as I know the title of the blog could have been "America is Satan and we all need Chartreuse" I have no idea why but but I can only help but think that maybe sticking to what I know is the best for all of us. I think ill post some writing--Poetry, short stories--every monday. at least have a little bit of structure. Till then.

Remember me

Saturday, June 25, 2011


It is now officially the 25th and after a long day of work. I dont have much to say.

If you still are unclear on my current endeavor I am a DD (Developmental Disability) worker...helper.  In simplest of terms I help those who have intellectual deficiencies--cerebral palsy, retardation, schizophrenia--and help them live in a everyday environment. But there are several locations and situations.

Some individuals are highly behavioral and need to be in a institution with high structure till they are able to grasp everyday functions like bathing or even eating. Soon as they finish this they go to a intermediate institution, which have several rules but much more freedom. Then, where I help, is the Residential Homes. I live with the clients and I help them shop, cook, and track their finances. Sounds simple? Not so. They still are highly disabled and still have the characteristics of the institutionalized individuals so they will still act up. But they can be in control now.

Now here is the fast-ball. Majority of these individuals are sex offenders because of their disability they dont know the difference. They are registered and those who are repeated offenders are monitored 24-7 by staff who will always be a arm length away. Because of this, they fixate on anything they can get their hands on, everyone must reframe on talking about their personal lives and keep most things of ourselves secret to them. I guess why I am writing about this now. Since I cant talk about me with them.

Because of their situation, they have rights, and rights of privacy. So if I ever talk about them from now on, I will only use initials. I only want to respect them.

Now that soap box is over I have a few things to add about registered sex offenders.

Do you think Sex offenders, that have intellectual deficiencies, should be imprisoned into our jail system?

Think about it momentarily and I will offer up some ideas.

Those who know some of the prison system know that sex offenders, even more child sex offenders are some of the lowest in the prison social class. But those who have intellectual deficiencies and are sex offenders get a even lower class, because they dont do much about it. By the time they are released, they are angry. They have been stabbed, beat up, sodomized and all they want to do now is follow through their frustration. Around 80% of this population, that after release, re-offend.

In the institution that I work at, work with the courts and they try to avoid this population from stepping foot into this vicious cycle. Judges put the individuals in probation and send them to this institution. Following strict rules, if they develop to how society functions, they will be released into society without supervision. Now with that in thought, what percentages of individuals that leave this program re-offend? About 8%.

You have a child and I hate to put this thought in your head but they are approached by one of these individuals and then are sent to trial for their misdeeds what would you rather see.
A. Go to jail, out of society and will return in 5 or so years with a 80% chance of offending another child or.
B. Sent to this institution, living in your community supervised 24-7 then rehabilitated, stabilized and fill their sentence of probation--from 20-30-life--and return to society with a 8% of returning to old habits?

I think the later is the more ideal situation, and its even cheeper to cost society.

From my understanding, this program that we are running here locally is one of a few or even the only in the United States. It has became so popular that individuals from Alaska, Washington, and Oregon want to buy the rights of this program. I think this is a great idea to further in society, and im glad to work with this organization.

Everything may or may not be 100% true, this is what I have been told through training and I may or may have not misinterpreted anything previously written. To the best of my abilities I claimed everything truthfully to my knowledge and if their is any disagreements you are free to do so. I only wanted to inform and create a sense of awareness.

Remember me

Monday, June 20, 2011

Living the Life?

It started here, another wasteful night. 
You started crying, i'll just say goodbye. 
Look out the window, tell me what do you see? 
I see potential, I see harmony.

Your the kind of girl I dream about, 
but your only in my dreams,          
Your the kind of girl that I talk about,
but your to far from my reach.

From your reach, 
you started looking for the things that you saw.
And you saw, 
all the reasons why you didnt go far
You went far enough to notice everything that you like just so... 
So long, goodbye. 
Im sick of trying for it for the last time. 
I am living the life that all the people hate, 
Id like to smile but I know that you relate. 
Summer skies and winter weather, 
are beginning to feel like its to much.             
Sleep on the roofs, 
jump to the sky, 
I need you there, 
I need you here now.

The promise missing and the pit of my stomach, 
I died. 
For you, and for me, 
and all thats thats in sight. 
All I wanted was to throw things down in the drain,
While we're watching and waiting for the rain. 
Head of sorrow, 
wait tomorrow we just lift up. 
With cigarette smoke,
you know ill throw up by my bed side and live a forlorn night, 
but you're perfect and amazing well thats alright.
So long, goodbye. 
Im sick of trying for it for the last time. 
I am living the life that all the people hate, 
Id like to smile but I know that you relate. 
Summer skies and winter weather, 
are beginning to feel like its to much.             
Sleep on the roofs, 
jump to the sky, 
I need you there, 
I need you here now.

I thought I saw her couple of years ago
She says she's waiting for a rise worthy of my window.
And I miss you...

Remember me

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Future Endeavors

Good news, I am now working as a DDA social worker.

For those who dont know what that is, I will be helping those with developmental disabilities. Like those who have Cerebral Palsy, Epilepsy and individuals under the IQ of 75.

This job has become a blessing to me and will further to continue my life and help me down my current path. But if you want to know more. Just ask.

As far as im aware I am only writing to myself, as always. But that doesnt bother me. Trying to figure out where im going to take this writing, I dont know. But eventually I will have a objective to strive towards. Till then I will continue to talk about my thoughts, feelings and events that can shift the heart in everyday life.

So I can tell you know that soon the style will become a formality and it wont just be random talk of a peculiar individual...Unless if that is what you enjoy.

In other news I have been lacking sleep. Im sure everyone has had that problem but is it to the extent that you just cannot sleep anymore?

I hear people say its because you have something on your conscious that you feel guilty about, but what if its nothing?

You see I have insomnia, many individuals have it and its like you are never able to find that peace of when you dream, so your soul just thrashes around as you just simply zone out in everyday living.

I am also currently taking supplements to help this illness, but no dice.

They used to work but as of the last month I think I just built a tolerance, It has always been in the family and as of since I was young, I had the same problem.

Have you ever felt that your awake and sleep cycles just blend together? I think im starting to loose my grip in reality, but does that make my life more fun? Or does it just make me insane?

Currently, you are just hearing ramblings. But some day, they will be words to the wise.

Remember me

Thursday, June 9, 2011


Well I am sure that no one knows about this blog just yet so in appreciation to my viewers (which means you) For the next little bit I dont think I will go to in depth just yet.

Currently I am trying to find a job, and you know how stressful this is.
Tomorrow I have a interview with a DDA service and I would love to get this job, but until I do, I will be severely stressing about it, so I am going to put this on the end of my duties.

This doesnt mean I will stop overall person who just might read this blog, by the time you read this a year from now this complication in life as we know it just might be ended, but if your reading it now I will still post, may be short, but I am doing all I can to survive in my life.

To keep yourself busy, Person that may or may not be reading this, this year. I will ask you to read Self Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson to keep you busy till this event blows over. You can find this short essay easily just by Googling it so dont give me no complaints because I know you have internet.

Remember me

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Future Plans

I have been trying to become motivated to write everyday, I have never been able to finish a particular writing all the way through and Im trying to see that day sooner.

My plan is to start blogging everyday to explain who I am what I stand for and try to find understanding in myself and everyone around me.

I constantly ask questions, though I dont expect any answers. I love to think about things in a new light. I have depression for a good portion of my life and it is heavily influenced all of my family, Depression is everyones life.

I want to start talking, I know it will help myself and benefit my future, but I dont know if anyone will ever be willing to listen.

I go by Corey Rhodes,

I want to change the world we live in.

Remember me