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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Poets Stress

So....the disease has finally resurfaced itself and I have embraced it with a warm loving home.


     I can only stress about self control so much. Some of us have some but none of us have complete control in any way whatsoever. Some people cant control their addictions, others cant control their emotions, lastly others cant control their mind. For something that is all our own it almost feels like is is everything but ours. I feel like there is a unseen force within our mind controlling what we think about, what we in-vision in our our hopes and dreams for everything we want to desire and though if we act through out what we want and get all our desires, what triggers the thought of what we want?


     We learn our native tongue--mine being English--and we have all of our physical languages. You can go everywhere in the world and everyone expresses the same language mostly the same way so that isnt a concern to what im getting at but we learn a specific language, we learn our social norms, we live in a certain environment and through those who raise us, we become what people make us. Alot of people have the control to know what they want, some people do not. But what causes the thought of us knowing what we want and desire? My thoughts are scattered, I really have a trouble thinking right now so the answer may be obvious to you but I dont know what creates "The Thought". Its abstract and concrete, Its easily created and destroyed but other than being made by all things that have a higher intellect I really dont know what specifically it is. Like emotions or mental illnesses or even the simple thing like wind or gravity. It exists we can see the things it effects but it does not have a image of itself. Im ranting again, I wanted to talk about self control...if you want to hear more about my thoughts on the "Invisible" let me know.


     As I was talking about self control mentally I wanted to state that I have none to little. I take medications for depressions and anxiety and others but am I only taking it because I lack the desire to change it myself? I dont talk to my councilors so I have none, I dont complain to my parents or to close friends and the closest thing I have to talking right now is to this document that I am currently writing in Ever-note then it will be transported to my blog within seconds upon finishing and posted for millions to see--if they desire--and though people may like my writing and read certain entries several times--currently you are unknown to me but I appreciate it--and I regret to say that I do not read my writings a second time due to me being so self conscious and critical and anxious about my life and feelings and what I do to my appearance and my work and my family and friends and everything about me. Ive received no praise--or dont listen to it when I receive it-- and even though I like none and I am stubborn about it and I appear to not care maybe that is what keeps me doing this and when I say this I mean to live.....Im ranting again, same as above.


     I let my mind control my life, sadly enough my anxiety prevents me from doing alot of things that I want to do. I look back at my life and I notice that I have written hundreds of songs but I never finished them and recorded them, so they were forgotten. I have written several short stories, most of which were just tucked away because I feared what others will think. Im writing a few books, all of which are not complete because I have lacked the motivation to finish them because I doubt anyone would read them. I have several ideas for movies, screenplays, other blogs ect. and I just have always felt no one was ever interested in hearing them, so they were never completed or even shared. Im known as the boy who has the potential to be everything he could ever want to be, the true visionary, but I lack that same vision for myself, so nothing is ever completed.


     This blog has been something I have been wanting to do since I was little and I guess I can say that I have started it, will it continue? I guess that is my choice but the point is I still have the same exact problem to stick to something I love to do and I head back to the pain that im used to. Then again. We are only human and we all have the same problems. Im sure you can relate. I would like to be something known, something that others can dream to be just like me but at this moment, I dont even know who I am.








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