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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Poets Mind

I really dont know how to speak my mind right now so I guess I'll tell you random facts about myself; 

I have a big sense of paranoia. Just half of the stuff I know aren’t true so I can ignore them easily which makes it appear that I don’t have it. I seriously think im being watched, I think people are out to kill me and someone tries to break in my house every night, these are the easy ones to ignore. A lot of times I think people are against me because of something I did no matter how little it may have been. 

I personally think that people think im a child and they wouldn’t care if I was dead, which I believe in this alot no matter how much evidence proves otherwise. 

If you have ever seen me alone that’s when you would think im this crazy person. Whenever im home alone I always have a sharp object by my side because I think that someone is in the house with me, and is going to get me. Call me crazy but that’s how I feel.

I feel highly threatened when people do things to me or around me, but that is kind of obvious why.

I've done my own laundry and cooked my own food since I was very little, since the beginning I was grown to be independent.

I always imagine a lot of my days just sitting outside on my porch looking down the street looking at the world as it is. When im older I want a roofed porch with a couch on it, and I will spend most of my nights there.

I am my own worse critic and I don’t think anything that I do is good, compliments are nice but im a person that doesn’t even like compliments themselves, but I feel worse off when I don’t get any so please give compliments even though I just normally just brush them off, I really do care.

I like to talk to people when they talk to me not when I talk to them, remember that.

I have a really good gift for understanding and listening and giving good advise, if you don’t take my advise the first time or at least take consideration of, I don’t like to give you advise further on. But I still like to listen to people complain no matter what.

I write a lot, but I hate English….does that make sense?

I have virtually lost interest in almost everything that I once did. If I had the choice I would sit alone in a corner, but people tell me to do otherwise because it isn’t healthy for me to do what I want, because a lot of things that I want are never whats best for me.

I have been given the gift of individuality, said by many people. and I know you can vouch for me, I have it. Everyday I do what I want and I stick out from plenty of things in this world. I hold it close to my heart and its something that everyone needs to get better in this world. Music is in my blood. I dont know I would do without it. I bet I got that habit, of having lots of music of my dad, one of the things that I actually appreciate of him. Raising me under a music filled life he has inspired me.

Every day I am told that I am more and more like my Uncle Sean. My moms brother, I was about one when he died, and he was shot. Im told that I have his poetic talents and had great expression of the arts. I never met him, he died when I was very very young, but I would give so much just to meet him, see if I am as close to Sean as everyone says. My family says I look just like him and act just like him, as if I am him.

I guess I have weird plans for life, I really am now undecided on what I want to be when I choose a profession. But I know I want it to show my individuality, but thats not the point im trying to make. I have plans to be alone for the rest of my life living on the coast, though someone to care for also wouldn't be that bad either.

There is a thing called love out there and might I say that its worth the heart ache for those who have not had it. Though this man is not reading his own words, I believe in it but it doesnt mean I choose to live it. I told myself that Im done looking for it, and I will say again Im not going to look for it. If it is going to be worth it, it will find me, whenever it may be.

I AM NUMB, I will say that as much as I want, I really dont feel big impulses to do anything, I do as I please and the way I want to do it.

I like the hard way, it challenges if I really want to do something or not.

I read transcendentalism alot, and if you dont know that word then look it up. Start on Ralph Waldo Emerson, he is my favorite.

I have been told that I am a visionary in poetry, writing, and everything else in the arts. I know how to get my feelings out and thats what makes it so powerful.

My mind goes several miles a hour, I normally cant think about one lone thing for more than a second, I jump around so fast it almost feels like I am thinking nothing. You can never get my full attention, always remember that.

Call me crazy, please, you dont need to be ignorant, I know what I am.

I dont like superheroes, I like to think life as it is and I dont want to put my self to fake hopes.

I like movies about life, no action or trying to make you laugh but just life.

I need to find out who is important in my life, the voices in my head are telling me everyone is against me.

More and more as the days go by I realize Im highly schizophrenic, I hear voices all the time and I see a lot of weird things. A good portion of the hallucinations I have are put in my stories.

With all that said, Im not going to leave you high and dry. Here is a short poem;

There is a tale that everyone seems to know.
When you live that great day, you never want it to end.
Its when you feel like you have never been so alive,
then it ends.
You wish you could have lived that moment longer,
done so many things differently.
Everyone has lived it.
Everyone has a different tale.
You look around you and you think,
no one know how you feel.
But there is a broken heart in every soul.
A regret that drives every human soul to push forward.
Everyone lives that tale,
if only there was a tune you can sing it to.

Remember me

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