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Sunday, May 6, 2012

First and Last Lie I Swear




I never really understood the potential of what can be but hasn't happened yet. Almost a form of a predetermined existence like everything happens for a reason—others call it experience. I always thought some arrow would be pointing at a particular direction and if I followed that direction I would be saved instead of getting pinned against a wall by a drunk driver. I guess I have always been following that arrow because I'm not dead yet but I guess I have at least done something wrong, you never know. I could cough up dust right now then lay down to never open my eyes again. Then again, I can accept that.  

I don’t think you can live without accepting death as an everyday factor in your life. I regret to acknowledge that I think about death all the time but it doesn't stress me out or make me scared for my next move. It just happens, death I mean, I may be beating a dead dog in the middle of the desert but death is peace; how can nobody accept that? I see people saying that they are scared to die and they just stress about it and they cant get over the fact that every living thing dies. Call me insensitive if you please but when people fear about this I just find it is a stupid thing to expect to not happen.

When I die I don't want my name spread out like its candy, hell, I don't even want a funeral party or anything of that sort. I would want my death to be a secret and its the people who really care for me would find out the tragedy for themselves—I feel that works both ways. I can imagine a time in the future after I have died and someone that was close to me talks to another one that was close and one of them feels like they were horrible.      

'Oh? And how has he been?' friend A asks.

'What do you mean how has he been? He died a little less than a month ago.' Friend B answers. 

Friend A then gets this big feeling of confusion and then he remembers how I have always said that I didn't want people to be notified of my death and the ones who cared would find out first and then he would feel so much self-loathing. I would be laughing wherever I will be and he will realize that all the times he said he would be there for me, he lied. Call it a sick sense of humor but when I was alive I knew they weren't going to make sure I was fine, so I wanted to make sure I knew that too. A promise that was never going to happen, a direction I knew that they were going to take and the once called friend would hate themselves. 

Most people who know me already know that I am a very bitter man. I may be so called perfect in many ways and everyone may just love me but when they have wronged me, that is when they will regret the very second that they did something that is unforgivable. Not all the time this is done directly because I should admit I'm not very confrontational but its plus is the power of silence. Back to friend A, he notices this and he cant stop laughing, nearly laughing with me. Though I am bitter I don’t think I can hold a grudge forever. He knows that I always make things even and though I am dead, I can still make that true, death works in many ways.

Now, while just being notified that I have some deadly thing growing inside of me, I can’t help but to think about peace. I can see myself lying deep within a grave with a smile on my face; this is something I can accept—though I'm not suicidal. I can say I'm not particularly happy with my life but it's nothing to kill myself over then again, I act irresponsibly in my life which can be viewed as being suicidal—people know my intentions.

I continued up the road from where the medical clinic and the diner were—most of the buildings of which were off the main road. Our town, Elisabeth, is fairly small—with only a couple hundred residents—but we were only a few miles out from a denser one. Not very many people knew about Elisabeth even though we were just a small suburb but I'm sure it may have something to do with being surrounded by mountains and forests. The air smelt amazing all the time, though, I doubt I would ever be able to deal with the smog that covers the city anymore. Things would be easier if I joined my family in the city again but that place isn't for people like me.  

I've had my fair share of money, when you really think about it I guess I could be called a 'rich man'. The apartment complex I lived in had several floors with a large sized studio apartment per floor. I lived by myself on the very top floor—floor number eight—in which is apparently the most expensive floor. There were roughly six other residents within the building but several of them had roommates also to help pay the rent while I did not need the help. On the main floor was a main desk, a ballroom and an actual bar that is open to the public—with only seven tenants, you would need to find another way to bring in the money. For Elisabeth's case, there are only two bars in town. One being 'The Flotilla' which was a few blocks away and then 'Jackie’s' being where I lived—the apartment complex had the same name also but only ending in 'Studios'.    

The girl that I met at the medical offices stood out within my mind. Her smile, how she looked, I didn't even know her name. How can I enjoy her in my thoughts even though I have no idea who she is? It's crazy to think that way but that is how I feel but I want to settle down before I decide to call her, a lot was going through my head. Outside of the building always stood a doorman, out of the five years I have lived here I never have learned his name and I don't think he even knew mine but our smiles to each other always seemed like we were best friends.  

It's funny how that always works out; it's always the people you don't know that are the best fitting for you. It's as soon as they learn about who you are, is when the thoughts arise that they made a grave mistake. Like the best friend to have is the friend who knows nothing about you, it seems we can't accept reality. That's not the reason for why I can't stand to be around people but it does take a part in the equation. I have fallen in love before and it always seemed right in the moment but whenever I look back to it, it just looks like child's play. I can't seem to take it seriously anymore but my mother always said that I would find someone. 

Right before I was able to see door to the apartment complex—which was just around the comer—felt a vibration from my phone in my pocket. As I reached for the phone I took a few steps away from the sidewalk and I sat at a bench that was just outside the front door to a local grocery store. I took out the phone and looked at the front screen; it said 'mum'. I told her that I wasn't feeling all that great about a week ago and without a woman's touch, she suggested for me to see a doctor to help me figure out if I only had a cold or worst case scenario, a terminal illness.

'Hey mum, how are you?'

'I am alright sweetie, did you go to see a doctor?'

'Yes. In fact I am walking home from them right now.'

'So what did the doctor tell you?' Since I left the office, I've been thinking about how I am supposed to tell her. I have thought of several ways on how to tell her but only one sounded swell in my head. A part of me wanted to tell her but another told me to keep her out of the situation entirely. I had to make up my mind and tell her at least something; I heard her talk again on the line again. 'Are you ok hon? What did the doctor say?' I responded quickly.

'Nothing. I mean nothing serious. I just have a little cold, some sleep will help me feel better.' I had to tell her I was fine even though I really felt dead. I didn't want her to panic, now that I think about it, I didn't even want her to know. She had enough problems on her plate and I didn't want to make it any worse on her. I wanted to make the decisions now.

'Well isn't that wonderful!' She was happy, that's how I wanted it. 'Just make sure you get that rest all right? I don't want this to get any worse; I don't want anything happen to you like it did with me. Keep yourself healthy and aware of any problems you have okay?' I sighed.

'I can do that, I'll be fine, don't worry about me.'

'I love you, remember that.'

'I love you too mum, you get better yourself.'

'We will see, goodbye.' I hung up and the tension I built up in my shoulders and back released with a big sigh.  The store clerk in the store behind me exited the store and looked at me. He obviously saw my conversation due to the whole front of the store—about seventeen feet—was full of windows. 

'Let me guess. You were talking with the in-laws?' I laughed to myself because I neither have been blessed to deal with in-laws or even let alone had them. 

'No, just some family problems?' His eyebrows rose.

'Oh? I don't mean to pry but I've seen you in this town for many of years but we have never had the opportunity to talk. If you want to talk about it then I am all ears.' I chuckled to myself because I wouldn't know the slightest on what to say. I was never one to talk about my feelings to my parents let alone a stranger. I never have really had a desire to talk and that has affected me with no friends or even a community to support me but I never really minded. Now I can figure that this is the time anyone would expect me to finally reach out and have some heart warming life, well I am not planning on that but I am willing to see whatever happens on my own terms.

'It's my older brother. He has just found out that he has cancer and he is not totally sure if he wants to be treated for it.'

'How old is your brother if I may ask?' 

'He’s a good ten years older than me so I would say about, thirty one years old.'

'He is still so young! Why would he not want to do anything about it?'

'I am not to sure to be honest. He mentioned something about how he doesn't want to leave anybody in financial troubles in case if he wasn't able to beat it but I know that there is something else that is taking a bigger part of it.'

'I see. Of all of my years in my life I have never really understood on a persons view of life' He noticed that he was starting to catch my attention, he continued. 'It happens every once and a while. You find a young man or woman and soon as they begin to understand life, not too much longer they grasp the whole concept and they understand it completely. They no longer fear death and they accept who they will become, they become the visionaries that go in the history books and they also don't care if they die young. They are at total peace and they will accept their fate no matter how it ends. I think that is what is going through your brothers mind, he knows that he is going to die and that will only make him stronger to become more successful.' I couldn't help but understand him perfectly I smiled at him and got up front my seat.

'Thank you sir; I appreciate your thoughts on the matter. I have to go but I am sure we will talk again.'

'Please, call me Horton.' I nodded to the store clerk and made my way around the corner towards the apartments. I looked back to see Horton again and he didn't even move an inch. I felt that I should at least show a little compassion to what he did so I waved goodbye to him and he waved back. Only a few more steps around the corner landed me in front of my apartment with the doorman ready to serve me. I walked up to him and he greeted me with a smile, I nodded to him as he opened the door. I could hear a great occasion happening in the ballroom to my right; just a few feet further put me in position to see what was happening. Several people filled the room and couples swung each other around on the dance floor; they were having the greatest time of their lives and I somewhat felt lonely but it was something that I was used to deal with. 

I turned left to face the main desk and the bar behind it as the hostesses greeted with their smiles and soft voices. I looked down to the table and wrote a note on a sketchpad, ripped it off and handed it to one of the hostesses. I finally looked up to her and she was looking at me intensely, as my hand drifted off of the note her finger caressed mine. I looked up to her and she smiled, I smiled back and turned to the elevator doors and the end of the hall on my left. The elevator opened immediately after pressing the button that had the action of 'up'. As I was walking in, I turned around to face the room again. The hostess had her eyes fixed on me with something that looked like a worried look on her face and I had to look away and wait for the door to close. I closed my eyes and leaned my neck back breathing in deeply; I couldn't help but be a little stressed with my present circumstance but it was nothing a few beers and a call to the mysterious girl I encountered earlier couldn't solve. Just with that thought I felt in total and utter peace. I couldn't help but catch myself smiling.  


Chapter 3

First and Last Secret I Swear











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