A Poets Self-Sacrifice

After my first suicide attempt I realized something more than what I could have ever known without doing such a thing. I can tell you that I had a great revelation that made me change my life or some other bullshit but this isn’t a movie. I looked at myself as a sixteen year old, dazed and confused, in love with a girl. I looked at the things around me as the blood rushed down my body to my feet and I had such a strange feeling. A feeling that I am such an insignificant speck, a lump of skin and muscle tissue and I was just simply upset. I had no significance in the world and at that time and point I made no impact on anything but I looked at everything else around me.

Starving children all around the world, a world that is engulfed by war and an economic crisis of people not willing to set their own differences aside from everything else. I started to think in fractions and minimal numbers that could mean no difference on the surface but meant a hell of a lot everywhere else. I could have been born with physical ailments, I could have died within minutes, I could have drunken parents or even be a drunkard myself. I could be in jail right now or even getting high off drugs and women. I could be living in a cardboard box yet I could be living in a mansion.

Variables started rushing through my head of what could have been just to look at myself as I was. I could say that I was grateful for all my things I had but I wasn't, I still thought my life was shit and I still do but I was able to realize that if just one simple thing was different in the entire course of humanity in any way, the exact being as I am now would be entirely different and I was happy for that fact only. That I am. Simple as that. Everything, every simple step forward would determine my future and I just let it go. I don't worry about it and in all honesty I really don't think about it. I still get depressed and I still hate my life and feel numb all the time but it’s not in vain anymore in my mind.

It’s not in vain because even though I think I have this shitty life, it can still always be worse. Because of that very fact I unconsciously don't take advantage of that. I gain a great sympathy for others interpersonally and I can relate to those who feel the same way. It doesn't make me feel better, I feel like I have no soul or any form of conscious but I can understand. It’s not wrong to feel numb or unhappy because I feel that everyday but it helps me understand who I am and what I can do. I stopped searching for happiness that day and I started looking for a reason why I am and to be honest, I wont figure that out until the split second I close my eyes and think my last thought before I die.

Remember me

Inch-Wide Trenches

I'm living my life from crib to coffin

everyday.

How would you feel?

when the darkness controls you.

Tell me how would you feel?

You wrestled my heart till out thoughts were one

you wrestled my heart, we are one.

How would you feel?

Somebody's in the back of my mind,

crawling, finding the things I hide.

The things Ill keep till the day I die.

Somebody's looking into my eyes,

they think I am thrilled and fine.

I fell sunder in the light.

I can scream without you but it's not right.

I can die forever it it felt right. 

I woke up, it was four.

I moved in all my things.

I moved in all my things, 

onto the floor.

Sweetie I can tell that this was hard.

All the situations were dark.

I really wanted to.... 

Remember me

Amicus Est Tanquam Alter Idem Pt. 7

The Shadow 

By: Amy Scheibe

It will find you,

run, run, he whimpered,

His soul faded, like a withering rose,

I could see it in his eyes,

He was slipping away,

I had no time to mourn,

It was like an evening rain,

sweet, yet bitter,

And I ran,

and I never looked back,

for if I did,

I would surely fall,

deeper and deeper,

into the black hole,

I call my mind.

I can't pretend that i didn't want to,

For that would be a lie,

Curiosity gets to the best of us,

The trick is to forget,

forget what once was true,

and remember what was just a memory,

Maybe even just a dream,

Because dreams hold the most terrible truths,

even if you don't wish to believe it,

It was chasing me,

nothing more then a bad dream,

that had forced its way to make me believe,

believe it was real,

Its shadow stalking me,

Taking everything I loved,

Destroying it.

What would I do?

Force it back into my mind,

Make it live in the dark,

Where it belonged,

But how would I do it,

The thought raced through my head,

clawing and stabbing for an answer,

Making me feel my heart shudder,

deep in my veins,

from the fear,

the fear of failing,

failing once again.

Remember them

Tomorrow Will Never Be Today

We stopped this before.

In my head of lullabies.

I swear I’ve seen this before,

twisting the reigns on a horse.

Ceramics and feathers,

waiting for the weather to shine

oh shine

I seem to relay,

all of the beacons, 

I once let go.  

Tomorrow I will loose my head

Tomorrow I will loose my head

Tomorrow I will loose my head

I know i've seen this before,

concrete jungles they stop my mind.

Have you stayed here before?

By the look on your face,

you have turned red.

I braced for the wild,

but you stopped and smiled,

said 'yes this is home'.

I crossed foreign land,

looked for a signal.

Its here.

Tomorrow I will loose my head

Tomorrow I will loose my head

Tomorrow I will loose my head

And you, won't know.

And you, will stay home. 

And you, will wait for the storm. 

Oh I can't stand,

what you will do.

Just hold my hand,

I know what I'll do. 

I cannot clench what gets you bothered. 

I cannot see what's in your brother.

I will not stand for this any longer.

And you, won't know.

And you, will stay home. 

And you, will wait for the storm. 

Remember me

Amicus Est Tanquam Alter Idem Pt. 6

I miss the way you taste.

I’ve been stuck in this rut for years,

begging you look at me.

Look what I’ve become.

A self-loathing animal,

I made this all for you.

The scars remind me of what could have been,

that I couldn’t have loved more thoroughly,

than I had when I was young.

The playfulness poured out of my eyes for attention,

and you took it all in for yourself.

Your selfish bones,

creaking my life away.

I dulled myself down for your comfort.

Are you comfortable watching me decay?

What have I become?

A self-loathing animal?

I made this all for you.

Kiss me away,

I wont come back I swear.

I’ll stay right here,

in this same place.

Still crying.

Still missing the way you taste.











Remember them

One Last Reason

Crawl for a space to start again,

forget all that has been done.

I have become a mess to the life I lead,

just some ugly crumbling road.

In a sleepy state, I feel awake inside,

but I know what I really am.

I don’t know what to believe,

or if I am still asleep.

I think I am a machine,

mind never stops its ticking. 

A metronome in my dreams.

There's no place without scratch. 

There's a devil on my back.

It's just out of my reach.

So close but stays right out of reach. 

Give me one good reason 

to try to keep me alive.

Give me one good hour 

to keep what's in my life.

Give me one last kiss,

to quench the fire that's inside.

Because I can't be here 

It can't be right

Choking till I die. 

Save me to celebrate, 

celebrate all my needs today,

what have I become?

You can forget me,

and the things that I've done.

No intention to stay like this.

How can I hate you 

if I don't know who you are,

or even if your a thing.

A shadow back in my mind,

I fall to do the same.

Why do I hate what I've become?

I think I am a machine

Mind never stops its ticking. 

A metronome in my dreams.

There's no place without scratch. 

There's a devil on my back.

It's just out of my reach.

So close but stays right out of reach. 

Give me one good reason 

to try to keep me alive.

Give me one good hour 

to keep what's in my life.

Give me one last kiss,

to quench the fire that's inside.

Because I can't be here 

It can't be right

Give me one more time,

to feel, what its like.

Give me one last mess,

to fix for tonight.

Give me one last smile,

to make me think about.

Because I can't be here 

It can't be right

Because I can't be here 

It can't be right

Choking till I die. 

Remember me