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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

A Poets Self-Sacrifice

After my first suicide attempt I realized something more than what I could have ever known without doing such a thing. I can tell you that I had a great revelation that made me change my life or some other bullshit but this isn’t a movie. I looked at myself as a sixteen year old, dazed and confused, in love with a girl. I looked at the things around me as the blood rushed down my body to my feet and I had such a strange feeling. A feeling that I am such an insignificant speck, a lump of skin and muscle tissue and I was just simply upset. I had no significance in the world and at that time and point I made no impact on anything but I looked at everything else around me.

Starving children all around the world, a world that is engulfed by war and an economic crisis of people not willing to set their own differences aside from everything else. I started to think in fractions and minimal numbers that could mean no difference on the surface but meant a hell of a lot everywhere else. I could have been born with physical ailments, I could have died within minutes, I could have drunken parents or even be a drunkard myself. I could be in jail right now or even getting high off drugs and women. I could be living in a cardboard box yet I could be living in a mansion.

Variables started rushing through my head of what could have been just to look at myself as I was. I could say that I was grateful for all my things I had but I wasn't, I still thought my life was shit and I still do but I was able to realize that if just one simple thing was different in the entire course of humanity in any way, the exact being as I am now would be entirely different and I was happy for that fact only. That I am. Simple as that. Everything, every simple step forward would determine my future and I just let it go. I don't worry about it and in all honesty I really don't think about it. I still get depressed and I still hate my life and feel numb all the time but it’s not in vain anymore in my mind.

It’s not in vain because even though I think I have this shitty life, it can still always be worse. Because of that very fact I unconsciously don't take advantage of that. I gain a great sympathy for others interpersonally and I can relate to those who feel the same way. It doesn't make me feel better, I feel like I have no soul or any form of conscious but I can understand. It’s not wrong to feel numb or unhappy because I feel that everyday but it helps me understand who I am and what I can do. I stopped searching for happiness that day and I started looking for a reason why I am and to be honest, I wont figure that out until the split second I close my eyes and think my last thought before I die.

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