How many times do you need to wish you were dead? To bash your head into the wall, and wait for that sweet tune till you realize that by the first time you did it, you already died.
Feeling some sense of relief thinking that all our lives will soon end I can only ask, have you ever wanted to die? Of course you have, everyone has wanted wanted to die at one point at another. Whether it be over some mellow dramatic event or over something totally serious. It even could have been as a joke verbally, but at one point or another we as a people wonder what is the point of our life and if it is going nowhere then that same individual contemplates his or her own end.
Im not going to be ignorant, of course I feel this way right now. I'm only writing about it right now because I have that feeling in the depths of my soul at this very second that makes me want to continue. As if waiting to see what is behind the other door. Its the anticipation of what could happen because when everything is said and done, whether if you believe in a afterlife or not, the feeling of not knowing ends. I feel that that is the difference of life and death. Living is not just a bodily function that acts in reaction to everything else, it is a feeling, a mental function, a emotion, it is the very definition of itself which disables peoples understanding and comprehension but i'm not saying i'm a philosopher that knows any unanswered questions, this is just what I feel and what I believe.
Theres this, thing, has been apart of me for so long. It tore me up and left me my remains, and that is me now. But there is nothing I really can do, its something i cant resist. It eats up my insides, and it makes me cry, It makes myself see what I really am. I feel that when people look at me, look at my writings and they can only think that I am chronically ill, but I know others who can only help to think that I'm the only light in the darkness of society, one of the few beings that can offer a feeling that calms the soul. Torment tears apart your will to stand for everything you believe but you look at it slowly, examine everything with a concentrated steadiness and you finally realize that its like everyone is dying. That everyones issue is that they want to be miserable because they know this depressing fact and they don't know why but it has always been written in their genes.
So you blame your family, you blame where you live just so you can feel better so you can forget that your dying. There is a reason why it is called a mental condition and not a emotional condition. You can change your emotions telling yourself your mad at a event but your mind stays with you if you want it to or not. As if that depression, anxiety, OCD is not virus. They aren't a condition they just come as a side effect with an already present condition and that is to live, to have a mind to create ideas. To create people even worlds with the intention to just see what could happen because the very purpose to live is simply to live. From the very second we are born, we start to die. It will happen eventually but the anticipation is when. So we live in reaction to the knowledge of our dying bodies and wait for something to happen in our lives and we wait for death. Its like we are all dying slowly because we are.
Then death comes, as swift as a knife to the back it whispers into your ear and a sense of self becomes perfect, you don't regret anything and life ends. This is only speculation, its only ever speculation because we don't know what happens, the only people who do have ended their journey and we will never know for sure till that journey actually ends. Your loved ones look at you and they say you lived a happy life and you are in a better place--whatever that is--and they look at you as if you were just born, as if birth and death are exactly the same thing and maybe they are. You come in not knowing what will happen they same way you leave, still waiting for that anticipation, as if we never really die and all I can say now is when I die I don't want a funeral I don't want an obituary or even a will because i'm still alive. It could be in your hearts, it could be in your mind, maybe there is a afterlife and when I do leave, I'll see you there. But when I die the ones who truly loved me will ask about where I have been my closest friends will ask first and when they receive the news they keep to themselves as if I was still alive because no one really dies, they stay in the thoughts of men
...and I'll set off into the dark.
With no place to rest my weary head
and everyone else waits,
as if they were all dying...
slowly.
Im not going to be ignorant, of course I feel this way right now. I'm only writing about it right now because I have that feeling in the depths of my soul at this very second that makes me want to continue. As if waiting to see what is behind the other door. Its the anticipation of what could happen because when everything is said and done, whether if you believe in a afterlife or not, the feeling of not knowing ends. I feel that that is the difference of life and death. Living is not just a bodily function that acts in reaction to everything else, it is a feeling, a mental function, a emotion, it is the very definition of itself which disables peoples understanding and comprehension but i'm not saying i'm a philosopher that knows any unanswered questions, this is just what I feel and what I believe.
Theres this, thing, has been apart of me for so long. It tore me up and left me my remains, and that is me now. But there is nothing I really can do, its something i cant resist. It eats up my insides, and it makes me cry, It makes myself see what I really am. I feel that when people look at me, look at my writings and they can only think that I am chronically ill, but I know others who can only help to think that I'm the only light in the darkness of society, one of the few beings that can offer a feeling that calms the soul. Torment tears apart your will to stand for everything you believe but you look at it slowly, examine everything with a concentrated steadiness and you finally realize that its like everyone is dying. That everyones issue is that they want to be miserable because they know this depressing fact and they don't know why but it has always been written in their genes.
So you blame your family, you blame where you live just so you can feel better so you can forget that your dying. There is a reason why it is called a mental condition and not a emotional condition. You can change your emotions telling yourself your mad at a event but your mind stays with you if you want it to or not. As if that depression, anxiety, OCD is not virus. They aren't a condition they just come as a side effect with an already present condition and that is to live, to have a mind to create ideas. To create people even worlds with the intention to just see what could happen because the very purpose to live is simply to live. From the very second we are born, we start to die. It will happen eventually but the anticipation is when. So we live in reaction to the knowledge of our dying bodies and wait for something to happen in our lives and we wait for death. Its like we are all dying slowly because we are.
Then death comes, as swift as a knife to the back it whispers into your ear and a sense of self becomes perfect, you don't regret anything and life ends. This is only speculation, its only ever speculation because we don't know what happens, the only people who do have ended their journey and we will never know for sure till that journey actually ends. Your loved ones look at you and they say you lived a happy life and you are in a better place--whatever that is--and they look at you as if you were just born, as if birth and death are exactly the same thing and maybe they are. You come in not knowing what will happen they same way you leave, still waiting for that anticipation, as if we never really die and all I can say now is when I die I don't want a funeral I don't want an obituary or even a will because i'm still alive. It could be in your hearts, it could be in your mind, maybe there is a afterlife and when I do leave, I'll see you there. But when I die the ones who truly loved me will ask about where I have been my closest friends will ask first and when they receive the news they keep to themselves as if I was still alive because no one really dies, they stay in the thoughts of men
...and I'll set off into the dark.
With no place to rest my weary head
and everyone else waits,
as if they were all dying...
slowly.
Remember Me
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