Anxiety Anxiety!

I lived a life from crib to coffin,

it will be the first and last time I swear.

You made me regret my thoughts for you,

you make me hate that I'm here.

Just play those games with my sick mind,

lets see how far you will go.

But this mind is that’s all left of me,

if rattles through my bones.

I tried to stay in front of you,

but your pity led your mind.

You told of the bad times, 

in your life you left behind.

Just some petty faction,

that will never ever turn.

You say that you are so lost,

but its me that you want to hurt.

In the midst of this argument,

I have fighting in my mind.

I loose my grip of reality,

and I stay there for a while.

So fuck this situation,

and fuck your hidden screams.

You're just some little masochist, 

who will get all your needs.

I thought this was a mystery,

but the truth in my sight.

You just love to lead me on,

like a lamb in the night.

You receive the things you wanted

as I rummage through the dirt.

My bloody nails are falling off,

you take my only shirt.

So if the compliments were liars,

I am bathing in my blood.

You threw what you knew of me,

in my face full of mud.

I have relapse in the distance,

they tell me of days that were fine.

I'm sure I lost the battle,

and the wars already won.

I call it anxiety anxiety,

but you never really knew.

I think of what will happen,

every second I spend away from you. 

I said it would be the first time

but I really do feel dead.

As I wash the blood off,

I can feel you through my veins,

I can feel you through my veins.

I'll start again to break the heart.

Change my name to change the world.

I'll set aside all our hopes and dreams,

so I can rip everything in two.

Remember me

A Thought Of You.

I love you.

Then I don't.

I remember a long time ago in which I had a sound mind.

I thought I had it bad then. 

Then some freak accident happens to me.

At lest that's how I feel.

I've never been the same since.

Each day gets worse than the one before.

I can't see any form of paradise in my view. 

No Garden of Eden. 

No golden cities.

Just an island inhabited by cannibals,

they eat through my flesh every night.

I hope it tastes good to them.

It does to me.

But.

Every so often I get that glimpse of peace.

I find it in the most beautiful women,

But they never stay around me. 

They offer me a drink from their vial,

just to keep it away from my sight.

I only can feel vile.

Some sick fucking game.

Then.

The paranoia gets the best of me.

I guess that's why I can't stand a sound second. 

'They are laughing behind your back.'

'They haven't spoken a good word about you.'

'No one cares about you.'

'You are a waste of skin.'

I freak out.

I lash my tongue at them.

All because of a thought.

Then I grow myself away.

Sometimes a day.

Others a week.

I torture myself with silence.

Sometimes

I hear the voices.

They tell me to kill myself.

They tell me to kill others.

They tell me to smile at my own blood.

I pace in motion.

I see things waving at me.

I talk to them.

Then I shake their hand.

I really do.

It feels great in a sick way.

I'm sure I've killed you several times.

Some may have been swift.

Others I may have made you feel it.

The voices greet me.

They say I did something right.

Try and fight it.

But I only,

try to forget about you.

Erase all my feelings.

Forget all my thoughts.

Just so you can start again.

So I can start again. 

I purge my mind so I don't have to remember my pain.

So I can feel it perfectly when it comes back. 

You whisper in my ear.

But in the end.

I just forget love.

I hate to say it,

but I do.

This can happen in the worst of times.

While you’re away.

While I'm with you,

You can see it when it happens.

I can only.

Get distracted.

I tone out of the real world.

I say it's nothing,

but it's really causing a serious pain.

Not much you can do.

Maybe just wait.

Wait and watch.

And by the time it's over,

all you can do is hold me,

and make sure I won't forget.

I hope you will do your best to try to save me.

Remember me

Listening For That Sweet Tune-Chapter 10: The End Of Days Pt. 2

STOP

Have you read the preceding chapters?

If not then read it from the beginning

or

Read the preceding chapter...

Go to the beginning:

Chapter 1: A Simple Beginning

Previously on Listening For That Sweet Tune:

Chapter 10: The End Of Days Pt. 1

How many times do you need to wish you were dead, to bash your head into the wall, and wait for that sweet tune till you realize that by the first time you did it, you already died? I didn't know where I was now, everything looked liquid-like the walls around me oozed with some thick substance. This liquid was black and if anything could be darker it would be this. It shined with every single inch of length it traveled yet it consumed all light that touched it.

They say that black is the absence of colour and normally I would agree but something was strange with this. As the black rolled off the walls and onto the ground it left something like a rust look behind it. I grew closer to get a better look and it wasn't just a look of rust but everything was rotting out like the black was acid but it wasn't. I woke up in this mess and it just simply rolled off of my face and fingertips like it turned into an entirely different consistency. It was eating through everything other than myself and the clothes on my back—it knew me. 

There had to be some form of intelligence within this mess because nothing could be as selective as it was.      Before I knew it, the black formed around a doorway to show a long and narrow stairway. I was now ankle deep in this odd viscous material and the stairs appeared to be clean—though full of rust. The material didn't want me to leave, as I lifted my feet up everything stuck trying to weigh my feet down but I continued forward hoping that there would be a light at the end of the hall. On my last few steps I loosened my shoes and jumped up onto the metal stairs bare footed. I looked back to the substance to see it tearing my shoes apart into pieces.

I sat only just a few more steps up while looking back to the room. It was attracted to me somehow. The liquid moved like the room was tilted forward towards me. Everything I saw in the room previously shifted towards me and began to move towards me. I backed up a little hoping that it was only going to move a little but it continued to follow me and flowed over the stairs; a form of attraction—like I was its host. I didn't want this thing near me—the second I thought that the black grew angry.

A loud animalistic scream echoed through the hall. It sounded that of a woman but sounds of a lion or even a bear as well joined with the chorus. My body became overcome by fear and I started to scramble up the stairs to get away from whatever the black was. I didn't turn my head to look back until about a minute, till I was sure that I had a good distance on it but when I looked back it was the exact opposite. It looked as if I had not moved a single inch but I knew I had. The black continued to flow over the next few steps and I backed up but still looking at the black.

Not only was the black moving towards me but also the entire room was making it look like I haven't moved a single inch. I continued this for another minute or so but as soon as I looked up the stairwell, no exit could be seen. I stood and held my ground waiting for the black to overtake me and with time it did.

As it reached me it latched around my feet and crawled up my leg but I felt no pain not even cold—it just seemed so normal. All of my fears were wiped away and before I knew it I was standing in the room once more. Everything continued to move up taking my waist and then my arms. I could of still moved but it was desperation that kept me still. I couldn't get out of this mess so the only logical thing I could have done was to give in. I woke up yet again in the same place as I did before but no black consumed the walls or floor.

Everything sat an illuminated white and various pictures laid on the walls of the room. Some of them were familiar because they were places I had been. This tower, the apartment, an empty alley but the others I had seen nothing like before. A lighthouse, a red door, a large concrete building in the midst of overgrown debris, a ship, another city along the coast. Everything seemed familiar yet unknown to me in every way—I felt like this has been done before. The stairway was still in the very spot as it was before but now there was a great light at the end of the tunnel. I looked behind me again to make sure there was no black, none could be seen.

Up next in Listening For That Sweet Tune:

Chapter 10: The End Of Days Pt. 3

Remember me

The Dove In The Monsters Heart

I wake up all alone again.

Just like the day before.

Where is my dove?

I bought her favorite movie.

That's all she left behind.

I had to loose myself.

 

Where is my dove? 

Where are her clothes? 

Where are her bones? 

I'm so alone.

 

I can't sleep without a woman's touch. 

I think I'll just fall apart.

Where is my dove?

I sit and wait for a call,

But all I hear is death,

from some black filthy crow.

 

Where is my dove? 

Where are her clothes? 

Where are her bones? 

I'm so alone. 

Where is my dove? 

Where is her smile? 

Where is your smell? 

I'm so alone.

 

Blood just pours on everything,

But they simply look the same,

Where is my dove?

This monster just bathes in sin,

just the same as you left him.

That poor stained soul of a man

 

Where is my dove? 

Where are her clothes? 

Where are her bones? 

I'm so alone.

Where is my dove? 

Where is her smile? 

Where is your smell? 

I'm so alone.

 

She is more than a bird

Or even a girl.

She left him so full of desire,

Now he wants to die.

Now he lives to crawl.

Where is my dove? 

Where are her clothes? 

Where are her bones? 

I'm so alone.

Where is my dove? 

Where is her smile? 

Where is your smell? 

I'm so alone.

Remember me

Letters To The Mind: Worth

Dear Worth,

I can't really say that I thought you made a difference in my life. People tell me I have you but it's a feeling I never get. You have never swayed my mind to better things so what's the point?

I'm sorry that I don't listen to you, it's not intentional. You could mean so much to me if I would just listen but here I am. I have torn myself apart without you and as the days go by it only gets darker.

Without you I desire to be alone and I know that is wrong. I feel this great pressure in my chest and I can smell something that just reminds me of emotion. I regret every second I spend without you but every second is another to late.

I can't function anymore. I tell myself to distance myself and I do it every time. It cripples my heart and destroys everything I thought before. Then I have to start again. The thoughts in my mind don't reassure me. I could be great but I hear a whisper in my ear saying 'She doesn't actually care for you.' I feel like a child having to be told the same thing everyday but it really does keep the beasts away.

I can't stand myself. I can't take care of myself because of you. I neglect what's good for me almost intentionally because I think nothing matters. I truly am a child, nearly crippled when I'm on my own and I can't do what's best for me like I need someone to tell me everyday. My thoughts only get the best of me.

Remember me

Listening For That Sweet Tune-Chapter 10: The End Of Days Pt. 1

STOP

Have you read the preceding chapters?

If not then read it from the beginning

or

Read the preceding chapter...

Go to the beginning:

Chapter 1: A Simple Beginning

Previously on Listening For That Sweet Tune:

Chapter 9: The Tower of No End and The Beasts Within. Pt. 3

Desperation. I've never felt so strongly about this word until now. I can’t recall if I have ever dreamt of anything that could compare to what could be possibly going through my head. This seemed to be just some insignificant tick in the whole schematic of the universe yet, it was everything. I've wanted to kill myself over words that didn't even mean anything as much as this but now, they don't even have a single thought in my head. 

There is this, thing, has been apart of me for so long. It tore me up and left my remains and that is me now. But there is nothing I really can do; it’s something I can’t resist. It eats up my insides, and it makes me cry, it makes myself see what I really am. Torment tears apart your will to stand for everything you believe but you look at it slowly, examine everything with a concentrated steadiness and you finally realize that its like everyone is dying. That everyone’s issue is that they want to be miserable because they know this depressing fact and they don't know why but it has always been written in their genes. 

The days move forward and it only gets more complicated with every step. Nothing can be as simple as that second you were born. People talk about complications and stress yet for that little child, it will be the simplest step in their life. Every second that continues into the future will only hurt more than the one before. From the very second we are born, we start to die. It will happen eventually but the anticipation is when. So we live in reaction to the knowledge of our dying bodies and wait for something to happen in our lives and we wait for death. Its like we are all dying slowly because we are. 

  

Then death comes, as swift as a knife to the back it whispers into your ear and a sense of self becomes perfect, you don't regret anything and life ends. This is only speculation, its only ever speculation because we don't know what happens, the only people who do have ended their journey and we will never know for sure till that journey actually ends. Your loved ones look at you and they say you lived a happy life and you are in a better place—whatever that is—and they look at you as if you were just born, as if birth and death are exactly the same thing and maybe they are.

You come in not knowing what will happen they same way you leave, still waiting for that anticipation, as if we never really die and all I can say now is when I die I don't want a funeral I don't want an obituary or even a will because I’m still alive. It could be in your hearts, it could be in your mind, maybe there is an afterlife and when I do leave, I'll see you there. But no one really dies; they stay in the thoughts of men.  I would set off into the darkness with no place to rest my weary head while everyone else waits as if they were all dying slowly.

When the door closed I could swear that I slept for centuries. Everything was quiet inside—nothing could go wrong—but an eerie feeling echoed through the walls and down the hall. The scenery was different than before; white illuminated walls, white tile floor, bright white ceiling. The things around me glowed and I couldn't imagine of any kind of darkness that could penetrate these walls. Planters and soil beds lined adjacent to every wall approaching a three-foot height—the outside being a glowing white also. Big plants, big leaves and everything in-between cluttered the top of every inch of the planters that I could see. Several of which had lush green vines growing up the walls and the ceiling releasing buds and vibrant flowers all over.

The rose still settled within my hand and under my skin—it felt normal now. As I lied on the ground I began to pick at it to see if I could get it out; it took a little struggle but I pushed everything out and on the ground. I forgot that what I originally picked was a white rose; it was now so red that I thought it was bleeding on its own. I looked at it intensely and it seemed that the rose was alive, well it was but something like an insect. Everything that was apart of the rose swirled around in its perspective place. I thought of still water, yes it is still but you can still distinguish that it was a liquid. 

I sat up and placed the rose in one of the flowerbeds that I was next to. I guess I didn't have an explanation to why I brought it in the first place as if other thoughts settled within my head that I was nowhere even aware of. I smelt damp blood again—I guess it never really left in the first place. The blood trail continued to my right around the corner and then to the left when the hallway ended. Two sets of bloody footprints were the trail now. I could see shadows moving around the corners as if the couple was still dancing, I was tired still, I closed me eyes and my heart felt like it fell to the floor.

  

Up next in Listening For That Sweet Tune:

Chapter 10: The End Of Days Pt. 2

     Remember me