Immediately I had to explain to her that this is far from a correct assumption and that everyone takes therapy of some sort. I then proceeded to say, "I have went to therapy, am I crazy". To be honest I expected her to say yes, because I feel that I am far from normal but then I can only help to ask is there anyone out there who is truly "normal"? I would like to answer that and tell you no, there are so many variations and expectations to each person and with a world so big as our own not every person can look at you and say you are normal. Then again I wouldnt like to hear that someone thinks I am crazy because even though I believe that myself, it would take a great toll on my self esteem, maybe im just shallow.
Now Even though I expected her to say yes--which would defeat the whole point I was trying to make to her--I knew she was going to say no. She then proceeded to ask why I was in counciling. I dont know her well so I just said it just happened then the subject was dropped because I didnt want to talk about it but now that im thinking about it I think my thoughts should be at least known. No one has ever knew my thoughts on that time in my life and what a greater audience I could say this to, than to the few readers who I also don't know who they are. I dont want any judgment, whats done is done, and all should be laid to rest when I am done.
At my imperfect age of fifteen--or even fourteen--I was just finding about a illness that was just beginning to present itself. Having my hormones raging and then a even larger chemical imbalance in my system was becoming unbearable. You could easily say "oh then he just saw a therapist" and my answer would be yes, but currently I was only a ticking bomb hidden away, no one knew of my problems. The day started just like any other normal day of a teen in highschool. I got up, went to school. I felt worse then normal and a event pushed my on edge. This said event will not be disclosed by me, but it was something that had the potential to push me over the edge.
Upon hearing said discomforting news I left home. People knew how unstable I have been for the past weeks and when I left, friends started talking. I tried to kill myself but at the exact moment I was going to complete the act, my father called. Seconds after that a police officer and the school councilor knocked at the front door and negated everything I had planned. I know who gave the tip and I know she wanted me to live, I still haven't thanked her to this day but sadly enough Im not even sure if I ever will.
So yes I went to therapy afterwards for a luxurious month or two and then I had to stop because no improvement occurred. I was then placed on medications and they are still heightening the doses to this day. Im going to tell you the truth, I still think of suicide--a lot. I don't really even know what is stopping me, maybe its the anticipation for something great to happen in my life. Maybe I want to grow up. Maybe I just want to die of old age and see my life taken from me, in a more peaceful manner. One thing is for sure Im not scared of death. If I died right now, I would have no regrets. Maybe thats what it takes to live life to the fullest. Maybe Im am really happy and everyone else is just depressed. This has been apart of me for so long, its the closest thing to home for me.
The question is am I crazy? Maybe you are and I just know how to live by wanting to die.
Remember me
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