Am I Alive? (Remember Me)

If this knife is a filler for my love,
whats the filler for the cuts and scars?

Is it loneliness?
Or is it friendship?
Am I alive?

This gap of reality's old and grey,
so I cut it apart, then threw it away.

Was it wasted?
or was it selfish?
Am I alive?

Am I alive? Am I alive? Am I alive?
Or is this pity?
Am I alive? Am I alive? Am I alive?

I am guilty.
Am I alive? Am I alive? Will I lie?

No, no not at all.
No, no not at all.

I have seen it turn to dust,
then floating through the wind.

But still it runs through my veins now,
again and again.

Theres blood on the ground.
Hearts made out of stone.
Lies under our skin.
Everyone of us.

We kill ourselves.
Then we kill our friends.
We lose everything.

One of us is falling down and falling apart.
I should have realized now from the start.
One of us is falling down and falling apart.
I should have realized now from the start.

I have seen it turn to dust,
then floating through the wind.

But still it runs through my veins now,
again and again.

Will, you, help me now?
Or do it again?

You better watch you back now,
I will cut you up.

Am I alive? Am I alive? Am I alive?
Or is this pity?
Am I alive? Am I alive? Am I alive?

I am guilty.
Am I alive? Am I alive? Will I lie?

No, no not at all.
No, no not at all.

I have seen it turn to dust,
then floating through the wind.

But still it runs through my veins now,
again and again.

Remember me

The Child: Entry 10

STOP

Have you read the preceding chapters?

If not then read it from the beginning

or

Read the preceding chapter...

The Beginning:

Prologue 

Previously on The Child:

Entry 9

     I left the box where it was, I didn't know what to expect or happen so I walked away--seems like something I always do. So I walked out of the cottage to get a fresh breath of air, though all the windows were open in the house. Just a few yards in front of the cottage was a cliff I walked towards the edge and looked down, I was higher than I would have liked. I then saw the waves crashing along the cliffside no beach, just treacherous rocks and a deathly cliff. I had to turn away before was going to actually throw up.

As I was walking away to my right I saw a bunch of members of 'The Family' in this grassy meadow a few benches and trees lied around them. They were all just sitting and talking and running...like a real family. I never knew what it was like, maybe this was something that was supposed to happen, time could only tell. 

     

Behind everyone though, was something like an orchard. Everything seemed so dark due to all the trees blocking the sun. Ominous that what it seemed like what it was, like the old secret that an old family keeps from their children. Another little cottage lied in the orchard a little while back at the very end of the path. So I approached the family members to see what they knew about it. There were several old faces, some new. I knew almost everyone’s name now but I only like to approach the ones I knew the most so I walked up to Anastsius.

'What is that old creepy cottage at the end of that road doing there?' Anastasius was talking to another family member. His head was turned talking to a member I didn't know as he put his hand on my shoulder, after a minute or so he said, '...is that okay?' and the other member nodded and walked away.

He first asked if I was ready for lunch--it was being served and then he asked me what I asked again. Now, I have done it times before but I don't like to repeat the things I have already said. Like a wasted sentence coming out of my mouth if you will. It makes my attitude sour and my body sore. I sighed and said another variation of what I said to prevent myself from getting more pissy and he replied with an, 'oh, right'. He started to walk away from the other members and motioned for me to follow looked more like a wave goodbye but regardless I would follow him either way--I like my questions answered. 

     

He started to walk down the path through the orchid as he was telling me all about the odd cottage. He told me that building was here along with the bunker when The Family first settled this area, and that there was one member of the family living here--everyone else lived in the other cottage behind us. There was a woman who lived there and she was apparently the figurehead of the family--like everything else in the world it was cliché--her name was The Aphotic Mother. He also said for short they called her mother, mom, mum and other variations in other languages and such. 

     

There was a movement in the trees around us, like something following us but it was to fast so it just went back and forth because it was anxious. I asked if Anastasius heard anything and he told me that The Mother was a witch. I don't like that, I didn't believe things like that but I was weary of it too. She apparently plays with gems and old relics; she is very insightful even though with her young age. Then stopped and moved in front of me. He looked directly into my eyes and told me that she has been with the family since the beginning. He couldn't remember how long ago that was but it has been at least one lifetime since, she hasn't aged a day she looks like mid twenties, it was odd. He then turned around and continued forward, we were only a few several feet from the cottage. 

     Anastasius stayed in front of me when we were walking the final distance to the old building, he didn't say anything the rest of the way. After walking up the front steps he knocked on the front door and knocked on the warped wood of the door. He looked at me and told me to come eat lunch with everyone else when I was finished and then he walked away. I didn't know what I was going to do, just like every other day since I've been here, I was confused.

Next entry in The Child:

Entry 11

Remember me

Through The Eyes Of The Poet

I have taken a lot of photos in my life, just now I thought about presenting them to others, let me know what you think

Remember me

Taking A Bite Into Your Skin.

I hope you understand the significance,
in which why I am here.
Just to protect you from the daemons,
I need to take you home.

I know this sounds a little bit crazy,
but soon enough you will see.

So I'll take a bite, right through your skin.
I need something so hold onto.
Its going to be hard to win.

Then I will scream, to scare the ghosts,
that will take you away from me.
You will never have to leave me.

It now sounds that I'm not good for you.
I will change eventually.
How great will that day be?
When you think of me,
and how I can potentially be perfect.
There will be nothing better for you and me.
I can cry with you right by your side.

Then we will speak of better days,
today is just so dark and cold.
It almost seems that the world,
it was just born to be that way.

I know this sounds a little bit crazy,
but soon enough you will see.

So I'll take a bite, right through your skin.
I need something so hold onto.
Its going to be hard to win.

Then I will scream, to scare the ghosts,
that seek to take you away from me.
You will never have to leave me.

Remember me

Where My Soul Went To Die.

There is a place in the dark,
its where the animals go.


You are the one that I need,
the one that I love.


But you will watch me corrode,
you will find it repulse.


Then I will start laughing, 
you will then ask my soul to leave.


I then cut out my eyes,
just to know I'm alive.


But I don't want to feel,
I dont want to cry.


You will find it repulse,
then ask me why?


I will laugh in your face,
and my soul then will leave.


I will lose my heartbeat.
I will lose my thoughts.


You took my love,
There is nothing I got.


It was hard enough,
just to live through the day.


I am dead because,
everyone went away.


I fade with my soul,
even more by each hour.


I will soon be nowhere,
just in the great tower.


My skin is deep,
but not deep enough for feelings.


They creeped though everything,
they wanted to reveal me.


They found nothing,
it is what I've become.


My thoughts will soon get the best of me.


My thoughts were the ones that ended me.









Remember me

When I Became Crazy

So here I stand and I wait
I am waiting for you all.
So irate and confused,
they're waiting for me to fall


I took a turn. 

I went, through the bushes,
I can swear im being followed.
Eyes are just watching.
Eyes are just piercing.


You said that you want me,
but I never believed it.
I shake and stumble,
How well can I receive this?

In the blackest of night,

I had a good friend.

We knew all the things that we do.

But we were all so young,

but almost old enough,

thats when I drove myself crazy.

Remember me

Miscommunications of the Heart

Well,
its what you thought I said.
I think there is some miscommunication


We were lacking from the start,
If only I've had a heart.

Crippling with cruelty, is the war won?
I once met a soldier, he died as a son.
With swollen throats of injustice,
I plead it all straight to the court.


I lost all my memories, 

I cant get them back.
I cant find myself, 

Its even hard finding your face.
I lost myself, 

where did it even go?
I guess I will never know.

Remember me

Window Shopping For The Perfect Hell.

I have felt so different since these pills first entered me.
The fatigue has left.
The fog is gone.
But my brain feels like its just getting worse.

I have no more room to think.
I still use that space.
Its like my mind is blank.
But is filling over with anything that could be thought of.

Im used to it.

I can feel the emptiness and its easy to forget.

Of all this pain,
I just push it out.
Like a vacant vessel.

Sometimes it comes back to me.

I want to feel but as soon as it shows up,
I push it out.

I cant change,
I have an inability.
I dont care if it will ruin my life.
Im happy, yet so sad.

The happiness keeps me whole now.
The same emptiness that causes all my problems.
Then the pills fix the problems.

The pills are the cause.
The pills do this.
The pills rid emotion.
Thats what they are supposed to do.

Do I want to be functional?
The pills tell me no.
I know I want to
but I also don't want to feel worse.
Choosing the perfect hell.
Like theres a choice.

No matter what happens were never happy,
Its disgusting.

Im so glad to be so advanced,
but there is always an opposite attraction.

We are still animals,
still roam the halls.


Lost.


Window shopping for the hell we prefer.

Then you will look at it years to come.
Think you had it great,
While you are now in a hell.
That other hell was a cakewalk.
Its never perfect enough for us.
even our hell.

Remember me

The Eyes of the Ones Without a Face

Superstition out my thought,
halucinating my mind.
Its no wonder,
thats why I never go out.

Walls are closing in while,
bugs crawling out of my veins.
I can see them,
but it seems like they have no face.

I crash right through these four white walls.

There is time but I can see no space.

My eyes are shaking out my beating pulse.

My heart dies but something else stays.

I wonder what does this look like,
from the eyes of the ones without a face?
I hate this, they are crawling.
I love them, keep them coming.

Can you tell me what the hell does this look like?
You are sane and your cups may not be laced.
I hate this, they are crawling.
I love them, keep them coming.

I tell myself that these thoughts,
are nothing more than a dream,
but my dreams,
they always seem to come true.

A crucifix to bound,
all of my persistent lies.
You never know,
when I am telling the truth.

You never know, of the thoughts,
that go through my mind.
Whose to blame?
You never could accept the truth.

If only I, couldn't wish,
all these things to come true
I hear it now.
I like to hear the woman scream.


I crash right through these four white walls.

There is time but I can see no space.

My hands shake and my body jolts.

I just wish everything of me could be erased.

I wonder what does this look like,
from the eyes of the ones without a face?
I hate this, they are crawling.
I love them, keep them coming.

Can you tell me what the hell does this look like?
You are sane and your cups may not be laced.

I hate this, 

they are crawling.

I love them, 

keep them coming.

Remember me

The Child: Entry 9

STOP

Have you read the preceding chapters?

If not then read it from the beginning

or

Read the preceding chapter...

The Beginning:

Prologue 

Previously on The Child:

Entry 8

     I remember reading a certain story in a newspaper when I was younger, maybe about four or five years ago. Within the paper it told a story of a man who either created or found an odd shaped box. The description of the box was a hexagonal prism like shape. Like a box you give your honey on Valentines. The top of the box however, was split up into triangles from the corners of the hexagon to the center creating a total of eight triangles but every other triangle on the top of the box was missing enabling you to see inside the box. Inside the box, was an assortment of gears and mechanical gear, constantly in motion and covered in metal.

     From what people understood, the man activated the box and whatever it did, it made him disappear without a trace, well there was a trace. Authorities looked everywhere and everyone in his family had no idea where he went, so the speculations were on the box but the official police statement was he was murdered. This is the interesting thing. Whatever the box did, it turned his insides out. The entire room was covered with blood and organs and muscles but no bones, not a single piece of the frame of the body. So this mans entrails were all over the room, under couches, in every single corner other than one place. The box and everything exactly six inches away from it were completely spotless. Not a single drop of blood or even dust.

     The article continued to talk about the mans final days from witness statements. It said the man changed his personality exactly. Like someone who got addicted to drugs. He was numb and he withdrew from everyone. There was a statement from his wife and in which it said she asked him what the box was and he got jealous and threatened her like she said she wanted to take it from him. He threatened to slit her throat and laugh at her corpse, she was scared so she left the house and went to a friend’s house to drink away her sorrows. The man never acted like this before so she was astonished and she didn't know what to do.

     There was another statement from a neighbor. He said that there was a loud screeching noise coming from the victims house and he could hear it all the way in his house. So he walked over and was going to complain so someone could turn down the music or whatever was going on. When he knocked on the door he hear a scrambling on the other side and when the victim opened the door, the split second when the door handle turned the screeching stopped. He asked the neighbor what and he asked if he was hearing a screeching noise, the victim said no and that he hasn't heard anything. Then the neighbor noticed that the victim was bleeding out the both of his ears and he asked him if he was ok.

The victim got defensive again as before and told him he was going to kill his neighbor if he asked him anything like that before, he closed the door and the screeching started again. The neighbor feared for his friend so he called the police and stated for them to check on him. 

     

About ten minutes later the police were heading down the street and the neighbor was waiting outside for the authorities. Just then there was a blinding flash that came from the windows of the victim’s house, the police saw it to so they knocked on the door. No answer. They looked through one of the windows to see if he was inside and the window was covered in blood but not just the inside, the outside too but just the glass panes of the window, nothing else.

The blood looked moist and fresh but it didn't even run, like something was holding it up. The authorities found this as a just cause to examine the house more so they kicked open the door and what they saw was imaginable. There was a very thick fog through the whole house and it didn't leave when they opened the door and when they entered the room where the man...died, the fog stopped exactly at the door frame leaving the room spotless of fog but covered in blood in return. 

     

From what I understand, the authorities took the box and put it into some locked vault or whatever. Either way it disappeared or was 'misplaced' as they call it and no one knows where the box ever went until now. I was allowed to explore the cottage today and when I got to my room this box sat on my desk. I’m sure this is the same box and I could only wonder what happened that day to the man because if this is that same box, I don't want the same thing to happen to me. I wasn't looking forward to exploding then disappearing today. 











Next entry in The Child:


Entry 10




















Remember me

Getting Used To The Pain Your Used To.

Just let all my feelings start again.
Just let me go ahead.


Sometimes I feel all black and white.


What if this is intended?


What if this is wanted?


Just so I can make myself whole.


What if when this started,
I never wanted this to happen.
But at this moment...
I have never felt so whole.
Just getting used to the pain Im used to.
Everything else is just foreign.


I think I lost something before.
I almost want to start all over again,
just to know what it was.


Just do everything again.
Like I am just crazy.


Why am I depressed in your eyes?
Maybe, just maybe,
this could be the definition of happiness.
This could be paradise.


Everything feels so real,
so do you understand dear?


Why is this pain in your eyes?


Ill give you my hand,
lead you my way.
Eventually you will see my life.
And you will understand.


You can love,
and with all this pain,
you could feel better than the dead.
















Remember me

They Call Me Melancholia But Whats The Difference Between Us.

All I can feel is the motion between our bodies.
Like some ever grasping tension that just keeps things together.
That felling could be unwanted.
You feel that someone is inside your soul.

Get it out.

Beginning to read my thoughts,
she's in my head.
Some parasitic leech, 

eating, 

eating, 

a host of hosts.

I havent seen it for years but it still pierces my ears,
pulls out my tongue, feeds it to the animals.
Im not even sure what IT is anymore.
Is it an idea?
Maybe it is a living thing.
Watching me when I sleep,
laughing at me while I'm alone.
It feels like everything is out to get me.
I dont know what to believe anymore.
So many things tell me its wrong,
but here I am, things I thought were right,
what proves that everything else isn't?
They tell me I'm brilliant.
Tell me I am a good man, one of the few.
How can I believe that?
Just words, words with no actions.
Praise with no conclusions.

They were asked what they thought of me as a whole.

They say different.

They say interesting.

They say melancholia.

I need to be picked at.


I need to know what its like.


Peeling off some scab that you have just been itching at for days.
What do they say behind my back?
I want to know.
There has to be something!
Tell it to me, right into my face.

I am sociopathic.

I am disturbed.

I am annoying.

I am ugly.

They say where there is good,
there is a equal opposite.
Its in everything.
How can you appreciate the highs when there are no lows?
Maybe I am already low, and I wont accept the highs.
Im all mixed up.
Walls are closing in.
I see swirling patterns through my walls,
in the darkness, even when I don't want to.
Smoke engulfs my world.
I see it rising from the ground,
coming out of my mouth,

I dream of it too.

I breathe it in and all I breathe out is smoke.
I can feel it in my lungs, I really can.
I feel it go up my throat and out of my mouth,


even when Im sleeping.


I can only wonder if others feel like this.
Feeling so hopeless, yet so found.
Everything seems right but there is always that something.

To far from your sight.

So you don't talk about it,

but its always there.

In the back of your mind like smoke.

Just hazing up everything.

I may be different but what is normal anyway?

Remember me